In 3 days time i will be making the trip to Wembley for the Play-Off final. In my footballing supporting life it will be about the 7th or 8th showpiece event that i have attended, and on each and every occasion, i have come away bitterly disappointed, that although I'd hoped we would come away delighted with a famous victory, instead I've come away with a horrible, nauseous feeling of that we have blown it again.
The best bit about the day is getting there, and not meaning the trip down there, but the game that seals qualification to attend a showpiece game, be it a Cup Semi-Final or Play Off Final, and the sudden dawning on you that yeah, we have reached Wembley and one game stands between us and promotion to a higher division, or yeah, we are now one game away from a Cup Final. You dare to dream.
The fortnight before the game usually builds up slowly but surely, as you check you have got enough money to go, and make financial adjustments to ensure that you have got enough spending money (and this in my case means having enough money to purchase enough alcohol to sink a battleship should we be successful), then you go down and have to queue for tickets, and feel a little tingle of excitement when you get your tickets, and that big day seems just that little bit closer. You make your travel arrangements, be in on a train, in a car, on a coach, but you arrange all this with your friends, and decide on where you are drinking before the match.
The worst feeling up to this point is the night before the match, as work provides a distraction, as does functioning in day to day life, the normal run of the mill diverts your attention slightly, but you still are thinking about the match, and sometimes you allow yourself to get carried away, with what will it be like if we win, its only natural because when your a football fan, deep down you believe that this will be the day that you forget about the past, break the jinx's and throw off the shackles of negativity and depression over previous glorious, and more pertinently inglorious defeats.
Your head hits the pillow the night before, and you close your eyes, yet you can't sleep, your mind is racing, what will it be like?, will we win, a lot of your excitement revolves around your friends, and a good day out, and you dream to think what it will be like to win, and share and celebrate the victory with them. Your mind is racing, dreaming, hoping and thinking that tomorrow could be the best day of your supporting life.
You wake up the next morning, and your buzzing, you might not have had much sleep as your head was spinning faster than you wanted it to do with your dreams, but your up and about and bouncing around your house, getting ready for the match with all the hope, expectation and excitement that you have got, and this, this is the day that you finally achieve something, you have your day in the sun and boy, your going to love it today, and you now know this will be the best day of your life, bar none. Nothing could go wrong, nothing could spoil it, and this is going to be day that you'll remember for the rest of your life.
You leave the house with a spring in your step, and go and meet your mates, and your all up a bit earlier than you'd ideally like, but you've all got the same spring in your step, the same hope in your heart, and you all feel the same way about the football team who you love and adore, who have let you down in the past, but the team you've always found forgiveness for, the team you can forgive for breaking your dreams in the past, because today will be different, today will be day that you leave the boulevard of broken dreams, and in a few hours you'll be travelling back home victorious, proud and with something to shout from the rooftops about and nothing will stop you.
Before the match you go to the pub, it is packed, absolutely rammed full of like minded individuals, all singing, all wearing the red and white, all massively proud of your club and every one has got a spring in their step, and a smile on their face. There is old timers who have followed the club for 50 years or more, and the little kids looking a bit overawed and overwhelmed about the big day at Wembley, the lads on the piss, the girlfriends who have come to their first match in ages because it is a big game, a good day out, but what everyone wants for, and what everyone hopes for is success and you feel that fuck it, yeah, today is the day.
Before the match, you walk up to the ground, enjoy a bit of good natured banter with the opposition supporters, sing the club songs, and soak up the atmosphere. Your nerves reach breaking point as the match approaches, and you get in the ground, walk up the gangway and see the pitch, see the red and white, hear the songs which sounds like a wall of noise, and you think this is it, this is our day, this is gonna be it.
The match kicks off, a sloppy pass here, a mistimed tackle there, and the opposition are all over you, they are better than you, more up for it than you, and all you can feel is helplessness, pain, hate, hate, hate. Nobody is singing, nobody is smiling, its like you are sat in a car waiting to crash and there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening, and you know it is going to happen, and there is nothing. It is impossible to get up and sing, it is impossible to feel anything other than disappointment, hate and despair. The opposition score, you are a goal down, and you try your hardest to think positively, that this will be your day, that you will get back in to the match and you will go on and win it, but you can't, you hamstrung by your own worst fears, nightmares, and you don't want to be here, but would rather be anywhere but here, watching this shit, feeling the pain.
The full time whistle blows, and you've lost, you've blown it again. The old timer shakes his head, and has that look of a weather beaten man who has been there and seen it all before because he probably has, whilst the little kid who is there for the first time is crying, his tears smudging his red and white face pain, and it hurts you, because he feels the same as you, yet you've felt this pain before and this is his first time, and he has never known pain like this before. You all feel the same hurt, the same pain and the same mutual loathing, and it fucking hurts.
The trip home is morose and subdued, nobody wants to really say anything, nobody wants a laugh, and you sit there on a train that takes fucking forever to get back home, armed with a load of cans, and nothing to do to drink, drink to forget, drink to wash the pain away, and there is now nothing else to do than get pissed. Your phone bleeps with gloating messages from friends who support other clubs, but they don't register and you don't respond, because really you emotions might get the better of you, and you might act in a completely different way to the normal, sane, rational person that you are. You get home, and all you want to do is go home, get in bed, and go to sleep and forget.
Another game, another set of hope and dreams shattered, and you might as well have been better staying in bed, cos for all the good it has done, your skint, and you've fucking blown it all again.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
An absent fathers tale, Part 3 (The Reprise)
Yesterday i had arranged to go round to my ex-wives house. I was quite nervous about going as i didn't know what the atmosphere would be like with myself and my ex, and it was the first time that i had seen Harrison for a number of months.
I drove there and arrived 20 minutes early, so i parked around the corner for 15 minutes, smoked a couple of fags (still trying to kick the habit), listened to a bit of music (The Jam), and did a bit of Facebooking talking about last nights match and preparing myself for the impending despair of another fuck up from the club that i love. That 15 minutes seemed a lot longer, it was a bit like waiting outside the Doctor's waiting room hoping for the all clear, but thinking there might be bad news instead, and i was not really in the mood for raking up the past mistakes, and it all turning out sour the moment that we saw each other, and desperately hoping that we wouldn't want to kill each other and hate each others guts. Hate is such a horrible, destructive emotion, and it takes a lot more energy and effort to hate, than it does to love or respect, or even treat someone with dignity, but sometime hate can be the over-riding emotion above everything else.Since our marriage break up, the love we once had a few years back had been replaced by hatred, bitterness and mutual loathing of each other, and to be quite honest it had been like living through a car crash in slow motion, in the sense of the foreboding of what was going to happen but feeling completely powerless to stop it all.
I was also very nervous about seeing Harrison, as i had not seen him before Christmas, and i was really looking forwards to seeing him. Loads of stuff raced through my mind, how much had he grown, how much more was he saying, what did he look like now, how would he be with me, would he pick up on any tension, and the absolute fucking killer. Would he even know that i was his Daddy? It is an absolutely horrific feeling that being a parent who loves their kid, that your kid doesn't even know who you are, and it is not a feeling that i would ever want to have to live through.
So i started the car, and drove the 200 yards around the corner to my ex-wives house, where i parked outside, took a huge deep breath and got out of the car, locked it all up, and walked up the path to her house where i saw the most amazing beautiful little man looking out of the window and smiling at his Daddy, and it melted my heart. The ex opened the door and invited me in, and within 30 seconds i was messing about with Harrison, playing with his toys with him, and it was really like i had never been away from him for the last 5 months, and much to amazement he actually knew who i was, and had wanted to see me. I got slapped, punched and fought with, as that as a healthy vibrant 3 year old boy, he is keen on the rough and tumble, and seemed to enjoy it. I looked at him happy and smiling and i thought that there is something, very, very special there and i really did feel that father and son bond, and wondered if my Dad had thought about the same when i was at the same age, and i bet that he did.
What was even more amazing is that for the first time in years there seemed to be no friction or animosity between me and my ex-wife. She made the a coffee exactly the same as she used to a few years ago, although i've still an aversion to skimmed milk, and refilled the coffee for me without me even asking for it. We had quite a lengthy conversation about a lot of things, and there is still a long way to go to fully rebuild the trust and mutual respect that you need to co-exist as separated parents, but we have made a start, and quite frankly that makes me happy and it takes a lot of weight and stress off my shoulders. What was really encouraging for me, is that a lot of stuff we talked about was the future, and how we saw it, and how we both said to each other that we still want the best for each other, and actually meant it. One of the hardest things about separating when you are both the parents of a child, is when one parent meets someone else, as being a father, you don't really want to think about another man stepping in to your role in family life, and i felt it was quite important to know about my ex-wives new relationship, because you want and need to know what sort of bloke is going to play a part in the upbringing of your child. She was happy to tell me all about her new bloke, and he did seem to across really well, as a proper decent bloke, and i was relieved to know that, and having assessed and analysed the situation, i can feel comfortable with him being in my son's like, and you know what, deep down i feel really happy that my ex-wife is happy and content in a relationship with someone who seems like a decent bloke. Having said that i did have to ask the all important question of what football team does he support, and i was relieved to hear that he wasn't a Wednesday supporter, because as stupid as it seems one of the things that i want to pass on to Harrison is my lifelong love of Sheffield United. As it goes he is a Liverpool fan, not ideal in raising H a Blade, but a it will make passing it on a bit easier.
Since August 2010 when i split with my ex wife, my life has been insanely stressful, and i would be a massive liar if i said that at times things hadn't got on top of me, and stress me out beyond belief, but now it is May 2012, i can sit here and finally say that the stress has started to lift off my shoulders, and now things have got to the stage where i can stop worrying and stressing about the acrimonious split and divorce with my ex-wife, as i have to be honest it has been a bitter, nasty and protracted split, but i can look towards the future as a father to Harrison, and someone who can and will a strong, and respectful relationship with my ex-wife and that is the way it has to, and it will be. It's all not going to be easy, and i know that it will not be easy, but with a lot of hard work, and i think that we can build a lot of trust and respect, and that in the long run will be a good thing.
And as if yesterday wasn't already good enough, the Blades beat Stevenage to get to the play-off final and a trip to Wembley beckons.
Life is good.
I drove there and arrived 20 minutes early, so i parked around the corner for 15 minutes, smoked a couple of fags (still trying to kick the habit), listened to a bit of music (The Jam), and did a bit of Facebooking talking about last nights match and preparing myself for the impending despair of another fuck up from the club that i love. That 15 minutes seemed a lot longer, it was a bit like waiting outside the Doctor's waiting room hoping for the all clear, but thinking there might be bad news instead, and i was not really in the mood for raking up the past mistakes, and it all turning out sour the moment that we saw each other, and desperately hoping that we wouldn't want to kill each other and hate each others guts. Hate is such a horrible, destructive emotion, and it takes a lot more energy and effort to hate, than it does to love or respect, or even treat someone with dignity, but sometime hate can be the over-riding emotion above everything else.Since our marriage break up, the love we once had a few years back had been replaced by hatred, bitterness and mutual loathing of each other, and to be quite honest it had been like living through a car crash in slow motion, in the sense of the foreboding of what was going to happen but feeling completely powerless to stop it all.
I was also very nervous about seeing Harrison, as i had not seen him before Christmas, and i was really looking forwards to seeing him. Loads of stuff raced through my mind, how much had he grown, how much more was he saying, what did he look like now, how would he be with me, would he pick up on any tension, and the absolute fucking killer. Would he even know that i was his Daddy? It is an absolutely horrific feeling that being a parent who loves their kid, that your kid doesn't even know who you are, and it is not a feeling that i would ever want to have to live through.
So i started the car, and drove the 200 yards around the corner to my ex-wives house, where i parked outside, took a huge deep breath and got out of the car, locked it all up, and walked up the path to her house where i saw the most amazing beautiful little man looking out of the window and smiling at his Daddy, and it melted my heart. The ex opened the door and invited me in, and within 30 seconds i was messing about with Harrison, playing with his toys with him, and it was really like i had never been away from him for the last 5 months, and much to amazement he actually knew who i was, and had wanted to see me. I got slapped, punched and fought with, as that as a healthy vibrant 3 year old boy, he is keen on the rough and tumble, and seemed to enjoy it. I looked at him happy and smiling and i thought that there is something, very, very special there and i really did feel that father and son bond, and wondered if my Dad had thought about the same when i was at the same age, and i bet that he did.
What was even more amazing is that for the first time in years there seemed to be no friction or animosity between me and my ex-wife. She made the a coffee exactly the same as she used to a few years ago, although i've still an aversion to skimmed milk, and refilled the coffee for me without me even asking for it. We had quite a lengthy conversation about a lot of things, and there is still a long way to go to fully rebuild the trust and mutual respect that you need to co-exist as separated parents, but we have made a start, and quite frankly that makes me happy and it takes a lot of weight and stress off my shoulders. What was really encouraging for me, is that a lot of stuff we talked about was the future, and how we saw it, and how we both said to each other that we still want the best for each other, and actually meant it. One of the hardest things about separating when you are both the parents of a child, is when one parent meets someone else, as being a father, you don't really want to think about another man stepping in to your role in family life, and i felt it was quite important to know about my ex-wives new relationship, because you want and need to know what sort of bloke is going to play a part in the upbringing of your child. She was happy to tell me all about her new bloke, and he did seem to across really well, as a proper decent bloke, and i was relieved to know that, and having assessed and analysed the situation, i can feel comfortable with him being in my son's like, and you know what, deep down i feel really happy that my ex-wife is happy and content in a relationship with someone who seems like a decent bloke. Having said that i did have to ask the all important question of what football team does he support, and i was relieved to hear that he wasn't a Wednesday supporter, because as stupid as it seems one of the things that i want to pass on to Harrison is my lifelong love of Sheffield United. As it goes he is a Liverpool fan, not ideal in raising H a Blade, but a it will make passing it on a bit easier.
Since August 2010 when i split with my ex wife, my life has been insanely stressful, and i would be a massive liar if i said that at times things hadn't got on top of me, and stress me out beyond belief, but now it is May 2012, i can sit here and finally say that the stress has started to lift off my shoulders, and now things have got to the stage where i can stop worrying and stressing about the acrimonious split and divorce with my ex-wife, as i have to be honest it has been a bitter, nasty and protracted split, but i can look towards the future as a father to Harrison, and someone who can and will a strong, and respectful relationship with my ex-wife and that is the way it has to, and it will be. It's all not going to be easy, and i know that it will not be easy, but with a lot of hard work, and i think that we can build a lot of trust and respect, and that in the long run will be a good thing.
And as if yesterday wasn't already good enough, the Blades beat Stevenage to get to the play-off final and a trip to Wembley beckons.
Life is good.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Happy Birthday
Today would have been my Dad's 63rd Birthday, but sadly it is a birthday that he is no longer around to celebrate, and that is a huge shame.
He died 8 years from Pancreatic Cancer, and it was a huge, insanely devastating blow, and something that took me a long, long time to get over, as within the space of 3 months, the person who offered me the most guidance in life, was like a best mate, and the man who helped shape me in to the man that i have become today was gone. For a long time after it happened, i was like a lost soul, lacking that guidance, lacking any sense of purpose, but as time went on, i learned to live with it, learned how to deal with it, and although i have never stopped missing him, i have learned how to cope with the grief, cope with him not being, here, and most importantly be able to take control of my own life without his guidance, and become a man that he would be proud of.
As much as i miss him, and my mind often wanders back to my Dad, but now it is not that sense of feeling that he is not there, just random thoughts of what he would be like now, what he would think about certain things, what sort of stuff he would be doing, and one thing that gives me a bit of strength is how well i did cope in the end on my own two feet, and i think that deep down that although there is a lot of stuff that i would change in my life, that is a given, there is a lot of stuff that he would immensely proud of.
He would have been proud that i would have made him a Grandfather, he would have been proud of the fact that i have to battle some adversity in life and battled through it, he would have been proud that i turned my life around from being a pot smoking waster who drifted along from dead end job to dead end job to being a hard working train driver who lives in his own home, ended up actually learning to drive (which he always badgered me to do but i never got round to doing), he would have also been very proud of my sister, and on her wedding day when i gave her away, in a sense it wasn't me giving her away but it was my Dad giving her away.
I wear my Dad's gold chain around my neck, i have worn it for the last few years, i was given it and didn't know what to do with it, so i wore it and have never taken it off since that day, because with that chain, it means whenever i wear that chain, my Dad lives on as a part of me, and next week i will see my son Harrison and when i look at him i will also see that he is with H, as he lives on through the both of us, and H look's even more like him that i have ever done.
As a role model, guide and mentor in life, what you did for me when your alive i will never forget, and the memories and thoughts of you now your no longer here, still offer me a lot of guidance in life
I Still Love You Dad, Happy Birthday, and I'll see you for a drink, but not for a good few years yet.
Nick
He died 8 years from Pancreatic Cancer, and it was a huge, insanely devastating blow, and something that took me a long, long time to get over, as within the space of 3 months, the person who offered me the most guidance in life, was like a best mate, and the man who helped shape me in to the man that i have become today was gone. For a long time after it happened, i was like a lost soul, lacking that guidance, lacking any sense of purpose, but as time went on, i learned to live with it, learned how to deal with it, and although i have never stopped missing him, i have learned how to cope with the grief, cope with him not being, here, and most importantly be able to take control of my own life without his guidance, and become a man that he would be proud of.
As much as i miss him, and my mind often wanders back to my Dad, but now it is not that sense of feeling that he is not there, just random thoughts of what he would be like now, what he would think about certain things, what sort of stuff he would be doing, and one thing that gives me a bit of strength is how well i did cope in the end on my own two feet, and i think that deep down that although there is a lot of stuff that i would change in my life, that is a given, there is a lot of stuff that he would immensely proud of.
He would have been proud that i would have made him a Grandfather, he would have been proud of the fact that i have to battle some adversity in life and battled through it, he would have been proud that i turned my life around from being a pot smoking waster who drifted along from dead end job to dead end job to being a hard working train driver who lives in his own home, ended up actually learning to drive (which he always badgered me to do but i never got round to doing), he would have also been very proud of my sister, and on her wedding day when i gave her away, in a sense it wasn't me giving her away but it was my Dad giving her away.
I wear my Dad's gold chain around my neck, i have worn it for the last few years, i was given it and didn't know what to do with it, so i wore it and have never taken it off since that day, because with that chain, it means whenever i wear that chain, my Dad lives on as a part of me, and next week i will see my son Harrison and when i look at him i will also see that he is with H, as he lives on through the both of us, and H look's even more like him that i have ever done.
As a role model, guide and mentor in life, what you did for me when your alive i will never forget, and the memories and thoughts of you now your no longer here, still offer me a lot of guidance in life
I Still Love You Dad, Happy Birthday, and I'll see you for a drink, but not for a good few years yet.
Nick
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Ambivelence
As i write this, i'm sat at home with a packet of Golden Virginia (the giving up smoking went right well at the end, as it was time to start again before i killed someone, and got a bottle of Jim Beam on the go, and sat playing on the internet once again. When i was in a relationship nights like this were few and far between, and i used to enjoy them, but what used to be an occasional event, has sadly become an all too frequent occurance.
At 34 years old i shouldn't really be sat up until all hours, drinking, smoking and just passing time, i should be happily married, settled down with a couple of kids, with all the trappings but i'm not. People see me as a single lad with seemingly plenty of time to go out and enjoy life, and feel envious, but the reality is not something to be envious of, as like with all things it gets mundane, boring and tiring after a while.
So how do i get out of this rut. Find a relationship and settle down once again, but that is easier said than done. There has only really been two women i can say that i have been in love with, one was my ex-wife and the other was the girl who i went out with straight after i split with my wife. In the first case the split was inevitable as things had gone irreversably wrong and the split was only a matter of time, and in the second case it was a case of too much, too soon as i was just coming out of a long term relationship and maybe i should have taken a bit of time out for the relationship game in the first case, but it was there, and i enjoyed it, and began falling in love with her, but too much, too soon.
Too often now i find myself, not really caring too much about stuff, but just about caring enough to keep going. I don't want to be seen as the bloke who goes out there and blows it all and loses everything, so that is my motivation to keep going, to keep the mortgage getting paid, to keep on getting up to go work, and to keep just plodding on, for what at times seems to be little or no reward, but the rewards might come sooner, or they might come later, but that does remain to be seen.
One thing i do have going for me is my friends. The last couple of years i have learned who my friends are, and who aren't. That has been a very important lesson. Last Saturday i went to watch Sheffield United (another lifelong disaster zone) down at Exeter, with a group of very good mates, in fact i would say some of my best friends ever went down, lads i could trust with my life, that is maybe the most important thing in my life, and i had the rare chance to see maybe the biggest lifelong friend i have ever had, my little sister for a few hours, which is always a good thing, and i even treated her to her dinner! Having a good time with good friends and good company always leads to a bit of a comedown when it comes to being up alone late at night, confronting my demons, and wondering where other stuff went wrong.
One of lifes greatest problems and issues is that we always want what we haven't got. I've got a decent house, brilliant job, lovely son, and some great mates but sometimes maybe i don't see that, and concentrate on what i haven't got.
Prehaps the answer isn't at the bottle of a bottle, but finding someone new who i can fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with, and someday Sheffield United will actually be successful and make all the effort worthwhile, maybe that is the answer, but who knows.
One thing i do know is that in the words of U2, i still haven't found what i'm looking for, but then again part of the fun is looking for it.
At 34 years old i shouldn't really be sat up until all hours, drinking, smoking and just passing time, i should be happily married, settled down with a couple of kids, with all the trappings but i'm not. People see me as a single lad with seemingly plenty of time to go out and enjoy life, and feel envious, but the reality is not something to be envious of, as like with all things it gets mundane, boring and tiring after a while.
So how do i get out of this rut. Find a relationship and settle down once again, but that is easier said than done. There has only really been two women i can say that i have been in love with, one was my ex-wife and the other was the girl who i went out with straight after i split with my wife. In the first case the split was inevitable as things had gone irreversably wrong and the split was only a matter of time, and in the second case it was a case of too much, too soon as i was just coming out of a long term relationship and maybe i should have taken a bit of time out for the relationship game in the first case, but it was there, and i enjoyed it, and began falling in love with her, but too much, too soon.
Too often now i find myself, not really caring too much about stuff, but just about caring enough to keep going. I don't want to be seen as the bloke who goes out there and blows it all and loses everything, so that is my motivation to keep going, to keep the mortgage getting paid, to keep on getting up to go work, and to keep just plodding on, for what at times seems to be little or no reward, but the rewards might come sooner, or they might come later, but that does remain to be seen.
One thing i do have going for me is my friends. The last couple of years i have learned who my friends are, and who aren't. That has been a very important lesson. Last Saturday i went to watch Sheffield United (another lifelong disaster zone) down at Exeter, with a group of very good mates, in fact i would say some of my best friends ever went down, lads i could trust with my life, that is maybe the most important thing in my life, and i had the rare chance to see maybe the biggest lifelong friend i have ever had, my little sister for a few hours, which is always a good thing, and i even treated her to her dinner! Having a good time with good friends and good company always leads to a bit of a comedown when it comes to being up alone late at night, confronting my demons, and wondering where other stuff went wrong.
One of lifes greatest problems and issues is that we always want what we haven't got. I've got a decent house, brilliant job, lovely son, and some great mates but sometimes maybe i don't see that, and concentrate on what i haven't got.
Prehaps the answer isn't at the bottle of a bottle, but finding someone new who i can fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with, and someday Sheffield United will actually be successful and make all the effort worthwhile, maybe that is the answer, but who knows.
One thing i do know is that in the words of U2, i still haven't found what i'm looking for, but then again part of the fun is looking for it.
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