1, Tips
The first, and most important thing of going to work is earning money, and tips can supplement this big time. First off all colour code all your tables, you will usually get 8 tables of 4 and they all need colour coding
Purple - A rarity, a middle class family who appear to be affluent and are polite at all times. Must be served as prompty as possible, must be given large portions at all times, extra soft drinks for the kids, and polite small talk must be made at all times to talk them in to crossing your palm with a purple piece of paper.
Brown - Be nice to these people, usually the sort of people who have bought their own council houses, have a bit of spare cash and are usually a good laugh. Tell them a few tame jokes, try and find out which football team they support and set them up with a big breakfast when they come in on tips morning (the last morning they are in the restaurant before going home). A good result is a Brown Piece of Paper crossing your palm on tips morning
Blue - The people who have scrimped and saved for a while to be able to afford a Butlins holiday. Be nice and friendly towards them, but i urge caution in going over board with these as they can occasionally be over-rated and can be in the Silver category.
Silver - The people who are council-estate level, usually with a couple of embroyonic Chav's in tow. Give them the Tomato Ketchup and fizzy pop but don't bust a gut to swiftly serve them and neglect the table with a higher colour code. Pensioners also fall quite firmly in to the Silver category but can often be unpredictable and end up being any given category. Silver is also an automatic rating for guests from places such as Wolverhampton, or South Wales
Black - The table that is easily identifiable as not being of the tipping sort. Usually complainers or uber-council estaters. Don't make any effort towards them, and concentrate on serving the higher rated tables, and serve the Black tables when you have a happy section of people eating. If a table is foolish enough to declare themselves as non-tippers then insuborniation is perfectly acceptable, any requests other tha basic things should be met with a clear no. Swearing is also allowed but ensure that no name badge is worn during the 4 lettered tirade.
A booster to your tips can be having a birthday, if you tell them its your Birthday at Breakfast then they will furnish you with cards, small gifts and more importantly bonus tips which can mean the difference between a night in skint and a night of refreshment. If i totalled up all the birthdays i had between 1999 and 2000 then i would be aged 124 now.
2, Morning set up.
You have to be in work at 8. The previous night ensure that all the equipment you require for morning set up is carefully hidden in the restaurant the previous night. Should the previosu evenings events mean that you are late for work then it is a total fucking pain in the arse finding cutlery, plates, cups and saucers to set up with. The staff lockers are a reasonable size and the more astute waiter should fit the required amount of equipment safely in to 2 lockers. When you arrive in to work set up should take no more than 15 minutes. After you have set up then assist another member of staff if you are that way inclined. For the more professional waiter a trip to the gents which doubles up as the staff smoking room is in order. A relaxing 40 minutes talking about shagging birds, football and getting pissed whilst the Restaurant numpties are struggling is usually order of the day.
3, Eating On Duty.
According to management this is a strict no-no. However you are supplied with aprons with big pockets at the front and can usually be used to store various foodstuffs wrapped in napkins for later consumption. The risk-taking waiter can also try a eat in the restaurant behind a dumb-waiter but extreme caution is urged in taking this activity.
4, Sabotage
A favourite game of the more jocular waiter. A stunt which can be played on the more highly strung members of the waiting on staff with highly amusing results. The best method is to decend on their section 5 minutes before the sitting is due to start and try and remove as many items from theor section before they re-emerge from the kitchen. When they return and there is cutlery and crockery missing left right and centre they usually explode with rage so a safe distance is required for maximum enjoyment of the trick.
5, Getting finished
You can usually get finished a good hour before you are supposed to finish. The trick is never go in to the kitchen empty handed and works a treat when the last person leaves your section of tables and all you have got to do is wipe your tables and sweep the carpet with a dustpan and brush. A good hint is to forego the use of the dustpan and brush and just pick the big bits up. Do not under any circumstances tell the supervisor that you have finished your section or you will be required to help the restaurant numpties getting finished for an unspecified time up to and including an hour whilst you could be engaged in other activities such as knocking a couple of pints back or sat on the throne with the paper having a long, and relaxing shit. Remember teamwork, you are your own personal team and it is your mission to make you team better than everyone elses team.
6, Getting caught out
First rule is deny all knowledge, and the second rule is make up some bullshit excuse. Never divulge your movements or intended movements to any of the following
- Restaurant Supervisors or Managers
- Security guards
- Numpties you want to avoid
- Ladies unless you want to sleep with them, then disclosing your future movements can be of benefit.
7, Kitchen Porters
They are not nicknamed dishpigs for no apparant reason. When you have dealing with the dishpigs you have to clear your trays which can be a major hassle. Simply wait until the aforementioned dishpig is busy, wait until his attention is taken and leave a full tray there waiting for him whilst his attention is taken and move discreetly away from the scene of the crime.
