1, Tips
The first, and most important thing of going to work is earning money, and tips can supplement this big time. First off all colour code all your tables, you will usually get 8 tables of 4 and they all need colour coding
Purple - A rarity, a middle class family who appear to be affluent and are polite at all times. Must be served as prompty as possible, must be given large portions at all times, extra soft drinks for the kids, and polite small talk must be made at all times to talk them in to crossing your palm with a purple piece of paper.
Brown - Be nice to these people, usually the sort of people who have bought their own council houses, have a bit of spare cash and are usually a good laugh. Tell them a few tame jokes, try and find out which football team they support and set them up with a big breakfast when they come in on tips morning (the last morning they are in the restaurant before going home). A good result is a Brown Piece of Paper crossing your palm on tips morning
Blue - The people who have scrimped and saved for a while to be able to afford a Butlins holiday. Be nice and friendly towards them, but i urge caution in going over board with these as they can occasionally be over-rated and can be in the Silver category.
Silver - The people who are council-estate level, usually with a couple of embroyonic Chav's in tow. Give them the Tomato Ketchup and fizzy pop but don't bust a gut to swiftly serve them and neglect the table with a higher colour code. Pensioners also fall quite firmly in to the Silver category but can often be unpredictable and end up being any given category. Silver is also an automatic rating for guests from places such as Wolverhampton, or South Wales
Black - The table that is easily identifiable as not being of the tipping sort. Usually complainers or uber-council estaters. Don't make any effort towards them, and concentrate on serving the higher rated tables, and serve the Black tables when you have a happy section of people eating. If a table is foolish enough to declare themselves as non-tippers then insuborniation is perfectly acceptable, any requests other tha basic things should be met with a clear no. Swearing is also allowed but ensure that no name badge is worn during the 4 lettered tirade.
A booster to your tips can be having a birthday, if you tell them its your Birthday at Breakfast then they will furnish you with cards, small gifts and more importantly bonus tips which can mean the difference between a night in skint and a night of refreshment. If i totalled up all the birthdays i had between 1999 and 2000 then i would be aged 124 now.
2, Morning set up.
You have to be in work at 8. The previous night ensure that all the equipment you require for morning set up is carefully hidden in the restaurant the previous night. Should the previosu evenings events mean that you are late for work then it is a total fucking pain in the arse finding cutlery, plates, cups and saucers to set up with. The staff lockers are a reasonable size and the more astute waiter should fit the required amount of equipment safely in to 2 lockers. When you arrive in to work set up should take no more than 15 minutes. After you have set up then assist another member of staff if you are that way inclined. For the more professional waiter a trip to the gents which doubles up as the staff smoking room is in order. A relaxing 40 minutes talking about shagging birds, football and getting pissed whilst the Restaurant numpties are struggling is usually order of the day.
3, Eating On Duty.
According to management this is a strict no-no. However you are supplied with aprons with big pockets at the front and can usually be used to store various foodstuffs wrapped in napkins for later consumption. The risk-taking waiter can also try a eat in the restaurant behind a dumb-waiter but extreme caution is urged in taking this activity.
4, Sabotage
A favourite game of the more jocular waiter. A stunt which can be played on the more highly strung members of the waiting on staff with highly amusing results. The best method is to decend on their section 5 minutes before the sitting is due to start and try and remove as many items from theor section before they re-emerge from the kitchen. When they return and there is cutlery and crockery missing left right and centre they usually explode with rage so a safe distance is required for maximum enjoyment of the trick.
5, Getting finished
You can usually get finished a good hour before you are supposed to finish. The trick is never go in to the kitchen empty handed and works a treat when the last person leaves your section of tables and all you have got to do is wipe your tables and sweep the carpet with a dustpan and brush. A good hint is to forego the use of the dustpan and brush and just pick the big bits up. Do not under any circumstances tell the supervisor that you have finished your section or you will be required to help the restaurant numpties getting finished for an unspecified time up to and including an hour whilst you could be engaged in other activities such as knocking a couple of pints back or sat on the throne with the paper having a long, and relaxing shit. Remember teamwork, you are your own personal team and it is your mission to make you team better than everyone elses team.
6, Getting caught out
First rule is deny all knowledge, and the second rule is make up some bullshit excuse. Never divulge your movements or intended movements to any of the following
- Restaurant Supervisors or Managers
- Security guards
- Numpties you want to avoid
- Ladies unless you want to sleep with them, then disclosing your future movements can be of benefit.
7, Kitchen Porters
They are not nicknamed dishpigs for no apparant reason. When you have dealing with the dishpigs you have to clear your trays which can be a major hassle. Simply wait until the aforementioned dishpig is busy, wait until his attention is taken and leave a full tray there waiting for him whilst his attention is taken and move discreetly away from the scene of the crime.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
Can't think of a succicent title!
Why, oh why do i only ever post on here when i have had a drink.
Prehaps its because drinking at home is not a good idea but very relaxing, i don't paid until friday so i had the bright idea of buying a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of coke and 12 cans of Carling on my credit card on saturday, the end result, i can have a drink when i finish work, or i could have had a drink after i finish work at home if i hadn't supped the lot in 48 hours. Still, at least i have enjoyed it even if i haven't actually physically done much apart from play a load of Poker and post on my favourite message board.
I've also learnt prank calls are seriously not funny when someone plays one on you and absolutely fucking hilarious when you play one on someone else. Someone played one on me earlier and i absolutely fuckin bobbed my pants when a west indian voice came on the phone and threatened to blow my kneecaps off and i thought shit, what have i done and who have i rang up. Someone let on a bit later and i got it, in true Yorkshire style i labelled them bastards and resolved to get my own back. Not decided how but it will happen.
Wasps, i've been in a reasonably good mood that summer has come, but that good mood has been offset slightly by the probability of the uk wasp population significantly increasing during the summer months, annoying the fuckin shite out me, especially when i sit in the beer garden delivering pearls of wisdom and several insights only for it all to be scuppered by a sodding wasp. Another unanswered question is why do wasps fail to exist in winter, whilst the rest of us a freezing our collective knackers off, Wasps must be in hibernation away from all the cold, prehaps they just transport themselves to sunnier climbs where they rest and relax for a few months before coming back to the uk and getting down to the nitty gritty of annoying everyone in sight.
As for people viewing my blog, please leave me a message just to let me know that you have seen it and pass the word on. I don't know how people will feel about my inane rambings but if i amuse one person then prehaps it might be worth it.
Anyway, enough for now, i'll probably post something else in the next few days. Don't get your hopes up as it will probably just be a load of shite again, but hey i'm just a shit machine and i'm regular with it.
Prehaps its because drinking at home is not a good idea but very relaxing, i don't paid until friday so i had the bright idea of buying a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of coke and 12 cans of Carling on my credit card on saturday, the end result, i can have a drink when i finish work, or i could have had a drink after i finish work at home if i hadn't supped the lot in 48 hours. Still, at least i have enjoyed it even if i haven't actually physically done much apart from play a load of Poker and post on my favourite message board.
I've also learnt prank calls are seriously not funny when someone plays one on you and absolutely fucking hilarious when you play one on someone else. Someone played one on me earlier and i absolutely fuckin bobbed my pants when a west indian voice came on the phone and threatened to blow my kneecaps off and i thought shit, what have i done and who have i rang up. Someone let on a bit later and i got it, in true Yorkshire style i labelled them bastards and resolved to get my own back. Not decided how but it will happen.
Wasps, i've been in a reasonably good mood that summer has come, but that good mood has been offset slightly by the probability of the uk wasp population significantly increasing during the summer months, annoying the fuckin shite out me, especially when i sit in the beer garden delivering pearls of wisdom and several insights only for it all to be scuppered by a sodding wasp. Another unanswered question is why do wasps fail to exist in winter, whilst the rest of us a freezing our collective knackers off, Wasps must be in hibernation away from all the cold, prehaps they just transport themselves to sunnier climbs where they rest and relax for a few months before coming back to the uk and getting down to the nitty gritty of annoying everyone in sight.
As for people viewing my blog, please leave me a message just to let me know that you have seen it and pass the word on. I don't know how people will feel about my inane rambings but if i amuse one person then prehaps it might be worth it.
Anyway, enough for now, i'll probably post something else in the next few days. Don't get your hopes up as it will probably just be a load of shite again, but hey i'm just a shit machine and i'm regular with it.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Have i missed the boat.
I looked in the mirror today and saw a 27 year old man looking back at me, instead of Brownie the lad and it has been a kind of kick up the backside for me in the sense that i have realised that i have done anything, really pushed myself forward and done that well for myself since i was well 16.
Its got the stage where most of the lads i grew up, most of the lads i know and most of the lads i work with are all now concentrating on buying house, getting married and having kids and sometimes i feel like the last musketeer, propping the bar up, getting pissed and making a dick out of myself in generally most walks of life.
I think the problem is that i still live by the macho rules of my teenage years, where great kudos was placed on your own personal capability in drinking loads of alcohol, having sex with as many women as possible and showing off all the time. All three things i think i'm still guilty off and probably this is more fool me.
Its got the stage where most of the lads i grew up, most of the lads i know and most of the lads i work with are all now concentrating on buying house, getting married and having kids and sometimes i feel like the last musketeer, propping the bar up, getting pissed and making a dick out of myself in generally most walks of life.
I think the problem is that i still live by the macho rules of my teenage years, where great kudos was placed on your own personal capability in drinking loads of alcohol, having sex with as many women as possible and showing off all the time. All three things i think i'm still guilty off and probably this is more fool me.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
This year.....
So far this year has been a much of muchness and much the same as last year without a big family bereavement and a big disciplinary at work. Been doing too many hours at work, been spending an inordinate amount of time on Sheffield United message boards, getting too drunk at Sheffield United matches, and got a new interest in my life. In keeping with the sad existance i sometimes lead i've taken up internet Poker, sometimes with some success and but mainly 'm just breaking even.
Well first things first Sheffield United appear to be cocking it all up again this year. Been to quite a few games so far and in each and every one i've been aboslutely bollocksed at the end of the evening and in most cases i have made an arse of myself. The stunts i have pulled include visiting an ex who had been texting me quite a bit after i had spilt up with Jemma, guaranteed action i thought provided i retained the ability to copulate and Mr Softee hadn't come to town. The fact of the matter was i never got the chance to test if i was able to copulate and she sent me home as i stank like a brewery. Me being me never reached my destination and ended up calling one of my mates who just happened to be drinking in town, and as luck would have it i had to cross Sheffield to get home. To cut a long story short i ended up hammered in flares and to make matters worse the proverbial ten-ton tessie was photographed getting off with me and the picture has been circulated. I've done loads of other stupid stuff whilst in the ultimate state of refreshment after Sheffield United matches, including falling out with friends and family, falling over, and making a general arse of myself. I've been resolving to improve my post-football behaviour but it just doesn't seem to be happening and my right hand seems drawn to a pint pot. Like it or lump it. I go to watch Sheffield United matches, end up steaming, and make a arse of myself.
Jemma is now a footnote in my life, another bird who came, i kind of fell in love with and it ended up going a bit Pete Tong. There has been loads of lasses over the last few years. Brummie Sue at Butlin's was one i can remember well. A couple of good months shagging about went out of the window as i became loved up, she loved me for all my faults, which at the time was (and quite possibly are now) numerous. I remembered Sally and the long hot summer of 2003, the nights up at hers when she played a game of how long could i watch Buffy for before falling asleep as i wanted sleep with her, sex was the price, as it happened it was counter-productive as on more than one occasion i ended up having sex with her imagining i was having sex with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Sarah Michelle Gellar was great as well. As it happens i saw Sally the other week in the Leadmill, she took great delight in being all over this bloke right in front of me trying to get a reaction, i did nothing and recieved a drunken 5am answerphone message from her asking me how i was getting on. The one big co-incidence in the splits between me and Sally and me and Jemma has been both have been pre-empted by away fixtures with West Ham United.
I just know this is going to turn in to one big depressing blog about the failure of my lovelife, and fuck it, so be it.
I had a one night stand the other weekend, its funny that i had one, the older you get and wiser you are, the more you feel like you have used and abused as well as used and abused someone else. I don't know if it this is the right way to feel about it though, sometimes i just think a one night stand is two people satisfying mutual needs of having sex. If it is then its great, lets have more one night stands, let the world shag themselves and each other stupid, just as long as i get the chance to shag Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cheryl Tweedy and get to have Joss Stone as a thirtyith birthday suprise.
My best mate Les is getting married in a couple of years, he has just got engaged and i have been harrassing him about best man duties to the point where i have self-appointed myself although i reckon he will ask Michael his brother although there is a good chance i could be chairman of the stag party committee. I'm not saying anything about it but i think Les knows that a stag night organised by my good self will probably involve some high jinks fuelled by a high consumption level of Alcohol.
Thats enough for the time being although there should be some more stuff coming through soon, or as soon as i can get round to it.
Well first things first Sheffield United appear to be cocking it all up again this year. Been to quite a few games so far and in each and every one i've been aboslutely bollocksed at the end of the evening and in most cases i have made an arse of myself. The stunts i have pulled include visiting an ex who had been texting me quite a bit after i had spilt up with Jemma, guaranteed action i thought provided i retained the ability to copulate and Mr Softee hadn't come to town. The fact of the matter was i never got the chance to test if i was able to copulate and she sent me home as i stank like a brewery. Me being me never reached my destination and ended up calling one of my mates who just happened to be drinking in town, and as luck would have it i had to cross Sheffield to get home. To cut a long story short i ended up hammered in flares and to make matters worse the proverbial ten-ton tessie was photographed getting off with me and the picture has been circulated. I've done loads of other stupid stuff whilst in the ultimate state of refreshment after Sheffield United matches, including falling out with friends and family, falling over, and making a general arse of myself. I've been resolving to improve my post-football behaviour but it just doesn't seem to be happening and my right hand seems drawn to a pint pot. Like it or lump it. I go to watch Sheffield United matches, end up steaming, and make a arse of myself.
Jemma is now a footnote in my life, another bird who came, i kind of fell in love with and it ended up going a bit Pete Tong. There has been loads of lasses over the last few years. Brummie Sue at Butlin's was one i can remember well. A couple of good months shagging about went out of the window as i became loved up, she loved me for all my faults, which at the time was (and quite possibly are now) numerous. I remembered Sally and the long hot summer of 2003, the nights up at hers when she played a game of how long could i watch Buffy for before falling asleep as i wanted sleep with her, sex was the price, as it happened it was counter-productive as on more than one occasion i ended up having sex with her imagining i was having sex with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Sarah Michelle Gellar was great as well. As it happens i saw Sally the other week in the Leadmill, she took great delight in being all over this bloke right in front of me trying to get a reaction, i did nothing and recieved a drunken 5am answerphone message from her asking me how i was getting on. The one big co-incidence in the splits between me and Sally and me and Jemma has been both have been pre-empted by away fixtures with West Ham United.
I just know this is going to turn in to one big depressing blog about the failure of my lovelife, and fuck it, so be it.
I had a one night stand the other weekend, its funny that i had one, the older you get and wiser you are, the more you feel like you have used and abused as well as used and abused someone else. I don't know if it this is the right way to feel about it though, sometimes i just think a one night stand is two people satisfying mutual needs of having sex. If it is then its great, lets have more one night stands, let the world shag themselves and each other stupid, just as long as i get the chance to shag Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cheryl Tweedy and get to have Joss Stone as a thirtyith birthday suprise.
My best mate Les is getting married in a couple of years, he has just got engaged and i have been harrassing him about best man duties to the point where i have self-appointed myself although i reckon he will ask Michael his brother although there is a good chance i could be chairman of the stag party committee. I'm not saying anything about it but i think Les knows that a stag night organised by my good self will probably involve some high jinks fuelled by a high consumption level of Alcohol.
Thats enough for the time being although there should be some more stuff coming through soon, or as soon as i can get round to it.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Does losing matter???
I've been to see Sheffield United play Ipswich Town earlier, 18 months earlier i went out on the piss with my Dad, he used to be a big bloke who liked nothing more than a few beers and Crystal Palace, we drank all day and went back home to his and had a couple of Whisky's, he ended up throwing up all over the place, i took this absolute piss out of him for it.
A couple of months later it had got worse for him, he couldn't keep anything down, never mind beer, he couldn't keep a slice of toast down, that persuaded him to go to the doctors, who refered him in to the hospital as they thought he had nothing worse than gallstones.
They performed a minor procedure to remove the gallstones but couldn't find any, they then sent in him for a scan to find the root of the problem.
The scan showed a large tumour on his Pancreas, this had blocked his bile duct and caused him to be sick, this was a week before Christmas, they fitted a drain to remove his bile, as the tumour was causinfg a blockage of his bile duct, it made no difference as it still made him as ill as hell. I was unwell that christmas with flu and felt somehow guilty being not very well at the same time.
In the first week of Janurary he underwent a procedure called Whiliples where they removed the Pancreas, and when they did that they discovered the tumour was cancerous which was what we already suspected, however the cancer had spreaded to his gall bladder and his liver.
Now the only hope that he had was that the cancer didn't spread whilst he was recovering from the op.
Sadly thar didn't happen, it took a grip and i watched him day in and day out, his mind giving it all to beat this disease, his body not responding. I honestly thought it would turn out ok, and decided not to see him for a few weeks as he didn't want me to see him without his dignity, but i spoke to him every day to see how he was, and try and talk football and cricket with him.
I got a phone call one night at work, i had spoken to my Dad and known he was really weak earlier, it came from my sister who was in tears, my Dad had been rushed in to the Palliative Care Unit at the NGH, and i finished work that night and rushed straight there and watched him die thanks to Pancreatic Cancer 24 hours later.
He was 54
When i look at what happened over those weeks, and i look back at the result this afternoon, i couldn't give a toss about the result to be honest.
A couple of months later it had got worse for him, he couldn't keep anything down, never mind beer, he couldn't keep a slice of toast down, that persuaded him to go to the doctors, who refered him in to the hospital as they thought he had nothing worse than gallstones.
They performed a minor procedure to remove the gallstones but couldn't find any, they then sent in him for a scan to find the root of the problem.
The scan showed a large tumour on his Pancreas, this had blocked his bile duct and caused him to be sick, this was a week before Christmas, they fitted a drain to remove his bile, as the tumour was causinfg a blockage of his bile duct, it made no difference as it still made him as ill as hell. I was unwell that christmas with flu and felt somehow guilty being not very well at the same time.
In the first week of Janurary he underwent a procedure called Whiliples where they removed the Pancreas, and when they did that they discovered the tumour was cancerous which was what we already suspected, however the cancer had spreaded to his gall bladder and his liver.
Now the only hope that he had was that the cancer didn't spread whilst he was recovering from the op.
Sadly thar didn't happen, it took a grip and i watched him day in and day out, his mind giving it all to beat this disease, his body not responding. I honestly thought it would turn out ok, and decided not to see him for a few weeks as he didn't want me to see him without his dignity, but i spoke to him every day to see how he was, and try and talk football and cricket with him.
I got a phone call one night at work, i had spoken to my Dad and known he was really weak earlier, it came from my sister who was in tears, my Dad had been rushed in to the Palliative Care Unit at the NGH, and i finished work that night and rushed straight there and watched him die thanks to Pancreatic Cancer 24 hours later.
He was 54
When i look at what happened over those weeks, and i look back at the result this afternoon, i couldn't give a toss about the result to be honest.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Skint, bored and waiting for payday
Well that basically sums up my current predicament. I have got £40 left to last the month out until i get paid again and have given myself a daily allowance of £5 a day to buy food, fags, bus fare and the like. I was a bit crazy when i last got paid, i spent quite a bit on clothes, had a full on new years eve drinking session, as well as a couple more when i have been to the United matches.
Been in a decent mood over the last few days, been relieved to have gone back to work, and i feel more like i did before i went through all the hassle of my Dads illness and death and it has been good. I suppose i look back at my old man now and see him as he was before he fell ill rather than the sick man on his death bed. All in all it seems like i have regained my zest for life again.
Good news on the Cricket front, England beat the South Africans today in a tight finish. Just as it was starting to get good i had to go to work but kept in touch with the latest score on WAP, and did a secret clench fisted when i found out we had taken the last wicket and won.
Trying to get to grips with Bluetooth on my phone, i didn't know how to use it until last weekend when Les brought his new phone to the match and kept on messing about with the bluetooth, i started messing about with mine, and found out how to search for devices so i keep on searching for devices for no other reason apart from curiosity about how many people around me have the capability. Yes sometimes life gets that interesting.
Not seen Jemma for a couple of days, it has been a major killer working all the time and trying to find time to see her. I don't think we will be able to go out this weekend as i have only got Saturday off, and she is working on Saturday night on her placement so that means that we will have to have a night in together one night after i finish work.
I've tried to swap my annual leave weeks around today so i can take a week off next month and go to Cornwall for a week to see my old friends down there as well as combining the business of watching Sheffield United at Plymouth Argyle with seeing my old friends in Looe. I've got a couple of uncles down there as well so it will be good seeing them.
I was listening to the Radio earlier and they have a little feature called Changing Tracks, where someone tells the story of how their life has changed and the song that helped change it, i don't think i have really got one but The Killers seem to have played a bit of a influence. The state of Indie music at the moment is good, there is a band that are starting to become big called Kaiser Chiefs who are excellent and i shall be buying the album in due course as well as making an effort to see them in concert.
Anyway more gubbins to come soon........
Been in a decent mood over the last few days, been relieved to have gone back to work, and i feel more like i did before i went through all the hassle of my Dads illness and death and it has been good. I suppose i look back at my old man now and see him as he was before he fell ill rather than the sick man on his death bed. All in all it seems like i have regained my zest for life again.
Good news on the Cricket front, England beat the South Africans today in a tight finish. Just as it was starting to get good i had to go to work but kept in touch with the latest score on WAP, and did a secret clench fisted when i found out we had taken the last wicket and won.
Trying to get to grips with Bluetooth on my phone, i didn't know how to use it until last weekend when Les brought his new phone to the match and kept on messing about with the bluetooth, i started messing about with mine, and found out how to search for devices so i keep on searching for devices for no other reason apart from curiosity about how many people around me have the capability. Yes sometimes life gets that interesting.
Not seen Jemma for a couple of days, it has been a major killer working all the time and trying to find time to see her. I don't think we will be able to go out this weekend as i have only got Saturday off, and she is working on Saturday night on her placement so that means that we will have to have a night in together one night after i finish work.
I've tried to swap my annual leave weeks around today so i can take a week off next month and go to Cornwall for a week to see my old friends down there as well as combining the business of watching Sheffield United at Plymouth Argyle with seeing my old friends in Looe. I've got a couple of uncles down there as well so it will be good seeing them.
I was listening to the Radio earlier and they have a little feature called Changing Tracks, where someone tells the story of how their life has changed and the song that helped change it, i don't think i have really got one but The Killers seem to have played a bit of a influence. The state of Indie music at the moment is good, there is a band that are starting to become big called Kaiser Chiefs who are excellent and i shall be buying the album in due course as well as making an effort to see them in concert.
Anyway more gubbins to come soon........
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Management
I heard this morning that someone has been sacked for making comments about their management in their weblog.
I would just like to put it on record that i think my management are very very nice people!
Now, where is that pay rise and promotion!!!
I would just like to put it on record that i think my management are very very nice people!
Now, where is that pay rise and promotion!!!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
So i have been back to work a couple of days now and what has changed, pretty much nothing and almost everything if the truth be told. I seem to be enjoying being back at work though.
It's been early to bed all week, no staying up all night having hours on end watching television, no endless hours on the PS2, and i've not seen Jemma yet this week. She has texted me sympathizing about my early starts although i will be texting her when she is doing her night shift on Saturday night and i'm out bladdered after Sheffield United v Brighton
When i have to be up at god knows what time in the morning why on earth people think it necessary to call me after 10pm, this happened last night. I heard it ring but let it ring as i deemed it not important enough to let go until the morning, however the person who called me decided to leave me an answer machine message and i had to get up and out of bed to recieve the message, it was one of my mates calling me to see if i could get them a cheap train ticket for when United play West Ham.
Sheffield United have drawn West Ham Utd, it will be a good day out, free cheap train travel for me, plenty of beer all day, a great win for the Blades and wondering who Sean Bean will bring with him this time after Nicholas Cage appeared at Millwall.
Not a great deal has been happening though in my own sad little existance otherwise.
My Highly Reccomended List
- Shameless
- Brigette Neilsons Mammery Glands
- Filling in my application form for the Weakest Link
- Full English Breakfast in Kings Cross
- Farting (had a belly ache when i got up this morning which went after i performed the said action)
- Social Interaction
Not so reccomended
- Trainspotters
- Wednesdayites invading the Unitedite message board and filling it with abuse
- Alarm Clock's
- Having a big nasty spot on my forehead that seems to get worse every day
Anyway until next time, laters
It's been early to bed all week, no staying up all night having hours on end watching television, no endless hours on the PS2, and i've not seen Jemma yet this week. She has texted me sympathizing about my early starts although i will be texting her when she is doing her night shift on Saturday night and i'm out bladdered after Sheffield United v Brighton
When i have to be up at god knows what time in the morning why on earth people think it necessary to call me after 10pm, this happened last night. I heard it ring but let it ring as i deemed it not important enough to let go until the morning, however the person who called me decided to leave me an answer machine message and i had to get up and out of bed to recieve the message, it was one of my mates calling me to see if i could get them a cheap train ticket for when United play West Ham.
Sheffield United have drawn West Ham Utd, it will be a good day out, free cheap train travel for me, plenty of beer all day, a great win for the Blades and wondering who Sean Bean will bring with him this time after Nicholas Cage appeared at Millwall.
Not a great deal has been happening though in my own sad little existance otherwise.
My Highly Reccomended List
- Shameless
- Brigette Neilsons Mammery Glands
- Filling in my application form for the Weakest Link
- Full English Breakfast in Kings Cross
- Farting (had a belly ache when i got up this morning which went after i performed the said action)
- Social Interaction
Not so reccomended
- Trainspotters
- Wednesdayites invading the Unitedite message board and filling it with abuse
- Alarm Clock's
- Having a big nasty spot on my forehead that seems to get worse every day
Anyway until next time, laters
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Mediocrity
Is it just me or has this year settled down in a new groove of nothingness and mediocrity again, i always tend to think that with a new year things will be different but in reality the more things change the more they seem to stay the same.
I'd resolved to give up smoking this year, and i have managed a sizeable reduction in my nicotine intake, although i put 30+ away yesterday but i was out on the beer all day so maybe that is acceptable. The gym is going well, been 3 times already this year, doing more and more time on the treadmill, did 3,000 metres on the treadmill last time out, and my dodgy knee felt fine after. Not really managed cutting down on the boozing yet although there has been a marked improvement in how much i drink at home. Most nights i enjoy sitting in front of the TV, or going on the computer drinking a couple of cans to unwind towards the end of the night, part of me thinks it might be alcoholism in a embryonic stage, however i tend to think that its just a sign that i like a beer at the end of the day and its not if i'm 3 big bottles of White Lightening in one sitting.
Saturday i went to the football which is normal, i drank quite a lot all day, smoked a lot, saw all the people i only see once a week when Sheffield United play, i enjoyed it, enjoyed a cracking game of football (which we won may i hasten to add), and it was a good day although in the end i ended up returning home slaughtered at about half past 12 and went straight to bed with my head feeling like it was in the early stages of a hangover. The majority of Saturdays have been like this.
Sunday is the same as ever as well. Get up with a hangover, go and fetch the papers and slouch around reading the sports news before getting in to the Sunday Times later on. I've not had a Sunday Dinner for ages and think i could do with one as well. I don't normally do anything at all on Sunday, it is a day without any serious boozing and there is nothing better than loafing about doing nothing.
On a slightly different note i'm back at work tomorrow after 3 months off sick with Stress and Anxiety and i really wonder how i will be when i go back to work. I needed the time off to be honest, i had a fortnight off when my Dad died and then i spent the next few months stressed out with that and a lot of other stuff and it came to the point where enough was enough. I had not allowed myself time to grieve, and owed it to myself and my employers to take the time off.
I went to see my boss Barney last week to sort a few bits and pieces out before i go back and to be honest i don't think i have a better boss. I think he saw the stress i had put myself under and i reckon he worried that i wasn't right to work at the time. Since i have been off he has been in regular contact with me, he called me a few times and arranged for me to go down and meet him for a bit of a chat every 2 or 3 weeks and he has seen the improvement in my general being.
Back to work tomorrow and i'm up at about half past 5 tomorrow and start back with 3 x 10 hour shifts. I feel kind of nervous about getting back to work, prehaps it is the first day back at school syndrome. I know there a few people who don't like me at work and a lot who do, but then again if someone doesn't like me then i'm not really bothered to be honest. After all we all go to work, turn up and just get on with our jobs.
I can't really think of much more to say, and i have been finding it hard to find something of note to put on here. I'm going through a phase of mediocrity but i'll settle for that at the minute.
I'd resolved to give up smoking this year, and i have managed a sizeable reduction in my nicotine intake, although i put 30+ away yesterday but i was out on the beer all day so maybe that is acceptable. The gym is going well, been 3 times already this year, doing more and more time on the treadmill, did 3,000 metres on the treadmill last time out, and my dodgy knee felt fine after. Not really managed cutting down on the boozing yet although there has been a marked improvement in how much i drink at home. Most nights i enjoy sitting in front of the TV, or going on the computer drinking a couple of cans to unwind towards the end of the night, part of me thinks it might be alcoholism in a embryonic stage, however i tend to think that its just a sign that i like a beer at the end of the day and its not if i'm 3 big bottles of White Lightening in one sitting.
Saturday i went to the football which is normal, i drank quite a lot all day, smoked a lot, saw all the people i only see once a week when Sheffield United play, i enjoyed it, enjoyed a cracking game of football (which we won may i hasten to add), and it was a good day although in the end i ended up returning home slaughtered at about half past 12 and went straight to bed with my head feeling like it was in the early stages of a hangover. The majority of Saturdays have been like this.
Sunday is the same as ever as well. Get up with a hangover, go and fetch the papers and slouch around reading the sports news before getting in to the Sunday Times later on. I've not had a Sunday Dinner for ages and think i could do with one as well. I don't normally do anything at all on Sunday, it is a day without any serious boozing and there is nothing better than loafing about doing nothing.
On a slightly different note i'm back at work tomorrow after 3 months off sick with Stress and Anxiety and i really wonder how i will be when i go back to work. I needed the time off to be honest, i had a fortnight off when my Dad died and then i spent the next few months stressed out with that and a lot of other stuff and it came to the point where enough was enough. I had not allowed myself time to grieve, and owed it to myself and my employers to take the time off.
I went to see my boss Barney last week to sort a few bits and pieces out before i go back and to be honest i don't think i have a better boss. I think he saw the stress i had put myself under and i reckon he worried that i wasn't right to work at the time. Since i have been off he has been in regular contact with me, he called me a few times and arranged for me to go down and meet him for a bit of a chat every 2 or 3 weeks and he has seen the improvement in my general being.
Back to work tomorrow and i'm up at about half past 5 tomorrow and start back with 3 x 10 hour shifts. I feel kind of nervous about getting back to work, prehaps it is the first day back at school syndrome. I know there a few people who don't like me at work and a lot who do, but then again if someone doesn't like me then i'm not really bothered to be honest. After all we all go to work, turn up and just get on with our jobs.
I can't really think of much more to say, and i have been finding it hard to find something of note to put on here. I'm going through a phase of mediocrity but i'll settle for that at the minute.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Shamelessly nicked but i couldn't think of anything better to write myself
Everybody else is doing it, so why can't I?
What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Lost one of my parents, it is seriously bad news when it happens, you never imagine it to happen to you but when it does it crushes you and fucks you up for a time, you learn to deal with it in time, and at the end of it you come out it, your world a sadder place but a better person for the experience.
Did you keep your New Years' resolutions? My first one was to pack in smoking and lasted about 2 days before i had another fag, i also resolved to join a gym and go on a regular basis which i still manage to do, but sadly paying my penance for too much beer, tobacco and junk food.
Will you make more resolutions for 2005? I made a resolution to give up smoking, this new years resoultion stuff gets fucking tedious. I mean my life is pretty ok, why change it
What places did you visit? The toilet, Quite a few football grounds, Eastbourne for a weekend, Malia, Blackpool playing football in the Railsport Games, Sheffield Uniteds pre-season tour of Cornwall, several public houses, and all sorts of other places where people go. Fucking hell this is getting tedious.
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Its not life that is exciting, it is taking your experiences however minor, sitting down with them and disecting them and learning more about yourself and making the wry observations that people seldom notice. I was slightly excited prior to my 18-30 holiday to Malia
What events merited celebration? Not a year with that much to celebrate to be honest, it was pretty crap year. As years go it was more a year of Premiership Survial rather than Champions League glory.
Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope, sorry, i abandon my friends, girlfriends and any other family as soon as children and babies are mentions. It tends to turn some good people from good free-willed people in to boring people living boring lives and middle class sensibilities although this may change when i decide the time is right to produce some offsprings to replace myself in the great scheme of things
Did anyone close to you die? Yeah, my Dad, now referred to as the 'great man in the sky'.
What do you wish you'd done more of? Having more good sex, well not that had to little but you know they say you can't have too much of a good thing. They say a good wank is better than bad sex and are probably right but there is nowy better than a good shag.
What do you wish you'd done less of? Sitting round moping about things that happened in my life this year that i had no control over. It is one thing some bad shit happening and its another dwelling on it.
Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?I can't think of one person who i spent most time on the phone to, some people i call a lot and only have short calls, others i speak to infrequently and speak to for a lot longer. I would rather have conversation in a decent pub with a couple of pints and plenty of cigarettes, it is amazing how you can put the world to rights in such a situation
What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? More money and a bit of luck, i could get really deep and mention a whole host of other stuff that i lacked over the last year but writing it all down can be a bit of a arse.
What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory? 28th Feburary, the day i lost my Dad, this year is the 1st anniversary and i'm going to go out and have a good drink to remember him by. No point in using it as an excuse to mope around, more a good reason to have a celebration.
What song will always remind you of 2004? The Libertines, Can't Stand Me Know. A band who have revived the whole Indie scene and the nearest thing to a young Oasis. A song packed full of energy, love, hate, despair and a million other emotions flying around in the mix. Listening to it on a good day it inspires the belief that you can do anything you want to do, there and then.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to London with one of my mates, got totally slaughtered and went back to Sheffield on the train totally blotted and i felt another year older on the next day. I was 27, but like a vintage wine i'm only getting better with age.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Sheffield United getting promotion to the Premiership, no ifs and no buts. I don't really give a flying fuck what people think about me, or what goes on during my day to day to life. It is just a great chance to forget all my troubles and invest all my hopes and dreams in something else.
Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered for quite a while with depression following the death of my father. More or less over it now but at the time it was like nothing else in the world had any mean or significence (this is getting fucking boring now i hear you think). I needed stiches in a head wound after i fell off a quad bike in Greece, i also had septic tonsilitis as well which laid me low for a week.
What was the best thing you bought? I'm sorry, i can't think of anything that i bought that is paticularly memorable to be honest. I think i must buy a load of crap if i'm being honest
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?My own at times, one thing i did was when Ken Bigley the British Hostage in Iraq was beheaded, i looked for the footage on google and found and it and a morbid curiousity compelled me to watch it. I didn't go through with watching it all, but i learnt how evil other people can be, and it taught me a lot about human nature.
When will I grow up? The eternal question!
Where did most of your money go? Beer and Football matches if the truth be told.
Compared to this time last year, you are...another year older, another year wiser but safe in the knowledge that the more things seem to change the more they stay the same.
What was your favorite TV program? Shameless, absolute pure genius and a real cult classic.
What was the best book(s) you read? I didn't read as much as i used to this year, i went through a phase of being an avid reader i didn't seem to get in to it as much this year.
What were your favorite films of this year? The Football Factory was a good film, other than that the only film i saw at the pictures was Bridget Jones Dairy and that was a right heap of shit
What was your greatest musical discovery? A band called the Kaiser Chiefs flicked the musical switch for me, as well as another band called Kasabian.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? 50% mod, 50% spice boy, trying to look good whenever i can, even when i have dressed down or looked like a sack of shit. Appearances count and you never know when the next bird could be coming round the corner.
Who were the best new people you met? I met a lass called Jemma, been seeing her a couple of months and we are just taking it easy and seeing what happens, although it has been one of those years when i haven't really expanded my social circle
Did you fall in love in 2004? It depends what quantifies love. I feel in a state of happiness and it remians to be seen if it evolves furthur. I'm pretty frightened of falling in love but it excites me as well, prehaps i'm already in love, prehaps i will never be in love, will i ever know?
What was your biggest achievement of the year? I came through the biggest test ever asked of me last year and came out of the other side of it a better person, that probably classes as a roaring success.
What was your biggest failure? Prehaps i didn't really have any major failure although the fact i didn't progress is a sign of failure.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004? However bad things get it never the end of the world
What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Lost one of my parents, it is seriously bad news when it happens, you never imagine it to happen to you but when it does it crushes you and fucks you up for a time, you learn to deal with it in time, and at the end of it you come out it, your world a sadder place but a better person for the experience.
Did you keep your New Years' resolutions? My first one was to pack in smoking and lasted about 2 days before i had another fag, i also resolved to join a gym and go on a regular basis which i still manage to do, but sadly paying my penance for too much beer, tobacco and junk food.
Will you make more resolutions for 2005? I made a resolution to give up smoking, this new years resoultion stuff gets fucking tedious. I mean my life is pretty ok, why change it
What places did you visit? The toilet, Quite a few football grounds, Eastbourne for a weekend, Malia, Blackpool playing football in the Railsport Games, Sheffield Uniteds pre-season tour of Cornwall, several public houses, and all sorts of other places where people go. Fucking hell this is getting tedious.
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Its not life that is exciting, it is taking your experiences however minor, sitting down with them and disecting them and learning more about yourself and making the wry observations that people seldom notice. I was slightly excited prior to my 18-30 holiday to Malia
What events merited celebration? Not a year with that much to celebrate to be honest, it was pretty crap year. As years go it was more a year of Premiership Survial rather than Champions League glory.
Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope, sorry, i abandon my friends, girlfriends and any other family as soon as children and babies are mentions. It tends to turn some good people from good free-willed people in to boring people living boring lives and middle class sensibilities although this may change when i decide the time is right to produce some offsprings to replace myself in the great scheme of things
Did anyone close to you die? Yeah, my Dad, now referred to as the 'great man in the sky'.
What do you wish you'd done more of? Having more good sex, well not that had to little but you know they say you can't have too much of a good thing. They say a good wank is better than bad sex and are probably right but there is nowy better than a good shag.
What do you wish you'd done less of? Sitting round moping about things that happened in my life this year that i had no control over. It is one thing some bad shit happening and its another dwelling on it.
Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?I can't think of one person who i spent most time on the phone to, some people i call a lot and only have short calls, others i speak to infrequently and speak to for a lot longer. I would rather have conversation in a decent pub with a couple of pints and plenty of cigarettes, it is amazing how you can put the world to rights in such a situation
What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? More money and a bit of luck, i could get really deep and mention a whole host of other stuff that i lacked over the last year but writing it all down can be a bit of a arse.
What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory? 28th Feburary, the day i lost my Dad, this year is the 1st anniversary and i'm going to go out and have a good drink to remember him by. No point in using it as an excuse to mope around, more a good reason to have a celebration.
What song will always remind you of 2004? The Libertines, Can't Stand Me Know. A band who have revived the whole Indie scene and the nearest thing to a young Oasis. A song packed full of energy, love, hate, despair and a million other emotions flying around in the mix. Listening to it on a good day it inspires the belief that you can do anything you want to do, there and then.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to London with one of my mates, got totally slaughtered and went back to Sheffield on the train totally blotted and i felt another year older on the next day. I was 27, but like a vintage wine i'm only getting better with age.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Sheffield United getting promotion to the Premiership, no ifs and no buts. I don't really give a flying fuck what people think about me, or what goes on during my day to day to life. It is just a great chance to forget all my troubles and invest all my hopes and dreams in something else.
Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered for quite a while with depression following the death of my father. More or less over it now but at the time it was like nothing else in the world had any mean or significence (this is getting fucking boring now i hear you think). I needed stiches in a head wound after i fell off a quad bike in Greece, i also had septic tonsilitis as well which laid me low for a week.
What was the best thing you bought? I'm sorry, i can't think of anything that i bought that is paticularly memorable to be honest. I think i must buy a load of crap if i'm being honest
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?My own at times, one thing i did was when Ken Bigley the British Hostage in Iraq was beheaded, i looked for the footage on google and found and it and a morbid curiousity compelled me to watch it. I didn't go through with watching it all, but i learnt how evil other people can be, and it taught me a lot about human nature.
When will I grow up? The eternal question!
Where did most of your money go? Beer and Football matches if the truth be told.
Compared to this time last year, you are...another year older, another year wiser but safe in the knowledge that the more things seem to change the more they stay the same.
What was your favorite TV program? Shameless, absolute pure genius and a real cult classic.
What was the best book(s) you read? I didn't read as much as i used to this year, i went through a phase of being an avid reader i didn't seem to get in to it as much this year.
What were your favorite films of this year? The Football Factory was a good film, other than that the only film i saw at the pictures was Bridget Jones Dairy and that was a right heap of shit
What was your greatest musical discovery? A band called the Kaiser Chiefs flicked the musical switch for me, as well as another band called Kasabian.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? 50% mod, 50% spice boy, trying to look good whenever i can, even when i have dressed down or looked like a sack of shit. Appearances count and you never know when the next bird could be coming round the corner.
Who were the best new people you met? I met a lass called Jemma, been seeing her a couple of months and we are just taking it easy and seeing what happens, although it has been one of those years when i haven't really expanded my social circle
Did you fall in love in 2004? It depends what quantifies love. I feel in a state of happiness and it remians to be seen if it evolves furthur. I'm pretty frightened of falling in love but it excites me as well, prehaps i'm already in love, prehaps i will never be in love, will i ever know?
What was your biggest achievement of the year? I came through the biggest test ever asked of me last year and came out of the other side of it a better person, that probably classes as a roaring success.
What was your biggest failure? Prehaps i didn't really have any major failure although the fact i didn't progress is a sign of failure.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004? However bad things get it never the end of the world
Welcome (A visit to hell)
New to this blog game so i don't know where to start it all. I'm kind of thinking that i might use this site to get things off my chest, you know the script, tell you about all sorts of things that get right on my tits and tell you there is more than a few.
Possibly it could be alternative way of getting to know one another by listing the things you dislike rather than the things you light. I've tried this with my girlfriend before and she just calls me Grumpy, well she is 21 and the 6 year age gap might be starting to tell though. But its a interesting concept anyway.
I'll get the ball rolling anyway with the first thing that has seriously got on my tits this week and that is the abhorration that is known at Somerfield at Broomhill, a place where the staff are institutionalized in the worst possible way, a place where the staff are well and truly the master race and us the consumer (well we have all become the consumer than the human race in bullshit corporate speak) are nothing better than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean.
Yesterday i visited Somerfield, (Somerhell as i will now refer to it) for a few day supplies of microwave ready meals, and other bollocks that i couldn't survive without. It was a task made slightly more difficult by the fact i was feeling a tad unwell due to a very high level of inebriation due to spending the day watching Sheffield United thrup West Ham United.
As i approached Somerhell i took a deep breath in preparation for my hell loaded 10 minutes, the deep breath gave me some sort of fortificating relaxation as i passed Martins the newsagent, only to be accosted by a gentleman sat on the ground with a blue bottle containing a unidentified liquid. He slurred something at me which i which got a little bit lost in translation but possibly sounded like 'can you lend me some money for a cup of tea', which i found pretty damn preposterous as he already had a refreshing drink in his hand.
This was followed 10 seconds later by a chav looking lad offering me a copy of the Big Issue, which i declined and strode on bravely in to Somerhell clutching a green plastic shopping basket. I was going to get a trolley but i wasn't prepared to let my dignity be compromised by paying Somerhell a £1 deposit that said i wasn't go pinch the trolley, well i wouldn't find any real use for a supermarket trolley anyway but shit happens and one day in a moment of drunkeness i might find it to be a good idea to ride one down a steep hill, but by not paying a pound i was discouraged to participate in a act of theft and probably saving myself an injury.
The first thing i put in to my basket was my newspapers, i buy the Sun for the football content and the possible opportunity of seeing Abi Titmuss in a state of undress, and i also buy the Times for some more intellectual content and the excellent cricket coverage. CMJ we salute you. I then began my trawl through Somerhell commencing my grocery trip, the first visit was the Eat Today bit where the discounts are, upon my arrival i was greeted by a couple of students stood over it like vultures picking over the dead bones of a carcass, upon quick investigation there was nothing worthwhile in there and i moved on.
I was soon in to full swing and kept on adding items in to my basket, all this was quite straightforward as it is normally quite clear where most items are and i did not need or seek any assistance to locate certian things. One thing that is usually a minor irritant is the traffic flow in Somerhell as you seek to avoid errant trolley being pushed by miscreant children, and get out of the way as the people with little time on their hands barge there way through.
The majority of my trip was almost completed when i realised that i needed to purchase some lightbulbs as the bathroom light in my flat is down. I struggled to locate this and was soon forced in to the acceptance that my lesser knowledge was inferior to Phillip (i know this as it says it on his namebadge, however it also says he is happy to help but that is up for date). I don't know how well you know Phillip but i would describe him as a cross between Andy Pipkin and a Barnsley Fan (for those who aren't in the know, people around the world have been chanting Revolution for the last couple of hundred years, meanwhile in Barnsley they have been shouting evoultion as they want their own full complement of fingers and toes!!!). I asked Phillip where lightbulbs we're stored and he looked at me if i was gone out and snapped back over there before getting back to his task of stacking beans, a task i had rudely interupted to ask for assistance.
My basket was full and i headed off to the checkout to purchase my choice of goods. I was left with a 10 minute wait as Somerhell was pretty busy, and in their infinate wisdom they only opened 2 tills. Queuing is a very british thing though, we seem to be the only nation in the world that seem more than happy to waste our time in queues, although in a Supermarket i do find it interesting to see what the people in front have bought. There was a chinese fellow in front of me obviously doing some shopping for him and his girlfriend. I watched on as he loaded up the conveyer belt with his stuff. Loads of fruit juice and fresh veg before he loaded it up with a couple of packs of sanitaty towels, i turned round and looked for his female companion but she was not to be seen and i had a quiet little snigger to myself. That must be a very foreign thing though, the male shamelessly going out and buying female hygiene products, it got me thinking that maybe he hasn't bought them for a female and has a possible other use for them, after all they are supposed to be highly absorbant.
It was soon my turn to get served, and served i was, before the lady who served me put my first item through she asked me if i had a saver card. I responded that i didn't and then she said i couldn't take any advantage of the special offers which was a bummer as i had bought 4 bottles of real ale for £3.50, however she had not accounted for my superior knowledge as i informed her that she could use her override card that was located next to the till to give me the discount. Under protestation i got the discount i wanted and she kept on checking my items over the scanner. Saver Cards are used to take in all your spending habits, you have to fill in your details on them so they can work out what you are most likely to buy and sell on your details and fire off a succession of unsolicited, unwanted junk mail to your doorstep.
I then asked if she had any of the strong carrier bags as i didn't fancy picking my groceries off from the middle of the road when the flimsy free ones break as they usually do. She did although it set me back 20p for them, clever marketing again Somerhell.
Then i ended up having to pay for my groceries and the less than satisfactory customer service i had recieved. I gave her my debit card, i prefer using a debit card rather than drawing cash out all the time, plus it also serves to wind up thick checkout staff in supermarkets. As she proccessed my transaction she asked me if i wanted to make a donation to the Tsunami appeal. (At this point i would like to make it strenously clear that i have a lot of sympathy for the people whose lives have been devastated and i have made a couple of donations but i think the giving has reached epedemic proportations, i would estimate that the total donations that i have made has been about a tenner which is probably sufficent). I said that i hadn't got any cash on me to put in the collection, she then turned round and said she give me some cashback to put in the pot. Now the minumum cashback is a tenner so work it out yourselves. Not only had i been given shit customer service, been publically reprimanded for not carrying a saver card, but now i was being told to make a charity donation with my Debit Card. I mean i have a lot to pay for in my life (My rent, Bills, Beer, Fags and Sheffield United matches) and it is expensive enough for me without spending all my money on charity donations.
Successfully i managed to extract myself from the checkout and Somerhell with my extra strength carrier bags carrying the loads. Walking out of the poor i walked past a bloke with even less subtlely that Phillip, who was wearing a brown uniform with the word Security embellished all over it. He fired me a look which said i know your a shoplifter and my mission in life is to catch you and get you sentenced to life in prison to justify my own feeble existance. Well i'm very sorry but if i was to ever consider participating in the criminal act of shoplifting then i'm sure i could aim a little bit higher than a tin of beans and jar of coffee from Somerhell. In any case my own shoplifting career in itself was a very short unsuccesful occupation which culminated in a telephone call to my father from the Store Manager of Costcutter and i short spell of being known as the family disgrace at 8 years old, the punishment was not being allowed from my room and i was unable to watch the Football Results that night.
Safely out of Somerhell, i managed to navigate my way past the Big Issue seller and made my way back home, slightly poorer but my life somehow enriched by the fact that however bad things might seem occasionally at least i'm not an employee of Somerhell.
A furthur despacth is expected to published soon
Brownie
Possibly it could be alternative way of getting to know one another by listing the things you dislike rather than the things you light. I've tried this with my girlfriend before and she just calls me Grumpy, well she is 21 and the 6 year age gap might be starting to tell though. But its a interesting concept anyway.
I'll get the ball rolling anyway with the first thing that has seriously got on my tits this week and that is the abhorration that is known at Somerfield at Broomhill, a place where the staff are institutionalized in the worst possible way, a place where the staff are well and truly the master race and us the consumer (well we have all become the consumer than the human race in bullshit corporate speak) are nothing better than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean.
Yesterday i visited Somerfield, (Somerhell as i will now refer to it) for a few day supplies of microwave ready meals, and other bollocks that i couldn't survive without. It was a task made slightly more difficult by the fact i was feeling a tad unwell due to a very high level of inebriation due to spending the day watching Sheffield United thrup West Ham United.
As i approached Somerhell i took a deep breath in preparation for my hell loaded 10 minutes, the deep breath gave me some sort of fortificating relaxation as i passed Martins the newsagent, only to be accosted by a gentleman sat on the ground with a blue bottle containing a unidentified liquid. He slurred something at me which i which got a little bit lost in translation but possibly sounded like 'can you lend me some money for a cup of tea', which i found pretty damn preposterous as he already had a refreshing drink in his hand.
This was followed 10 seconds later by a chav looking lad offering me a copy of the Big Issue, which i declined and strode on bravely in to Somerhell clutching a green plastic shopping basket. I was going to get a trolley but i wasn't prepared to let my dignity be compromised by paying Somerhell a £1 deposit that said i wasn't go pinch the trolley, well i wouldn't find any real use for a supermarket trolley anyway but shit happens and one day in a moment of drunkeness i might find it to be a good idea to ride one down a steep hill, but by not paying a pound i was discouraged to participate in a act of theft and probably saving myself an injury.
The first thing i put in to my basket was my newspapers, i buy the Sun for the football content and the possible opportunity of seeing Abi Titmuss in a state of undress, and i also buy the Times for some more intellectual content and the excellent cricket coverage. CMJ we salute you. I then began my trawl through Somerhell commencing my grocery trip, the first visit was the Eat Today bit where the discounts are, upon my arrival i was greeted by a couple of students stood over it like vultures picking over the dead bones of a carcass, upon quick investigation there was nothing worthwhile in there and i moved on.
I was soon in to full swing and kept on adding items in to my basket, all this was quite straightforward as it is normally quite clear where most items are and i did not need or seek any assistance to locate certian things. One thing that is usually a minor irritant is the traffic flow in Somerhell as you seek to avoid errant trolley being pushed by miscreant children, and get out of the way as the people with little time on their hands barge there way through.
The majority of my trip was almost completed when i realised that i needed to purchase some lightbulbs as the bathroom light in my flat is down. I struggled to locate this and was soon forced in to the acceptance that my lesser knowledge was inferior to Phillip (i know this as it says it on his namebadge, however it also says he is happy to help but that is up for date). I don't know how well you know Phillip but i would describe him as a cross between Andy Pipkin and a Barnsley Fan (for those who aren't in the know, people around the world have been chanting Revolution for the last couple of hundred years, meanwhile in Barnsley they have been shouting evoultion as they want their own full complement of fingers and toes!!!). I asked Phillip where lightbulbs we're stored and he looked at me if i was gone out and snapped back over there before getting back to his task of stacking beans, a task i had rudely interupted to ask for assistance.
My basket was full and i headed off to the checkout to purchase my choice of goods. I was left with a 10 minute wait as Somerhell was pretty busy, and in their infinate wisdom they only opened 2 tills. Queuing is a very british thing though, we seem to be the only nation in the world that seem more than happy to waste our time in queues, although in a Supermarket i do find it interesting to see what the people in front have bought. There was a chinese fellow in front of me obviously doing some shopping for him and his girlfriend. I watched on as he loaded up the conveyer belt with his stuff. Loads of fruit juice and fresh veg before he loaded it up with a couple of packs of sanitaty towels, i turned round and looked for his female companion but she was not to be seen and i had a quiet little snigger to myself. That must be a very foreign thing though, the male shamelessly going out and buying female hygiene products, it got me thinking that maybe he hasn't bought them for a female and has a possible other use for them, after all they are supposed to be highly absorbant.
It was soon my turn to get served, and served i was, before the lady who served me put my first item through she asked me if i had a saver card. I responded that i didn't and then she said i couldn't take any advantage of the special offers which was a bummer as i had bought 4 bottles of real ale for £3.50, however she had not accounted for my superior knowledge as i informed her that she could use her override card that was located next to the till to give me the discount. Under protestation i got the discount i wanted and she kept on checking my items over the scanner. Saver Cards are used to take in all your spending habits, you have to fill in your details on them so they can work out what you are most likely to buy and sell on your details and fire off a succession of unsolicited, unwanted junk mail to your doorstep.
I then asked if she had any of the strong carrier bags as i didn't fancy picking my groceries off from the middle of the road when the flimsy free ones break as they usually do. She did although it set me back 20p for them, clever marketing again Somerhell.
Then i ended up having to pay for my groceries and the less than satisfactory customer service i had recieved. I gave her my debit card, i prefer using a debit card rather than drawing cash out all the time, plus it also serves to wind up thick checkout staff in supermarkets. As she proccessed my transaction she asked me if i wanted to make a donation to the Tsunami appeal. (At this point i would like to make it strenously clear that i have a lot of sympathy for the people whose lives have been devastated and i have made a couple of donations but i think the giving has reached epedemic proportations, i would estimate that the total donations that i have made has been about a tenner which is probably sufficent). I said that i hadn't got any cash on me to put in the collection, she then turned round and said she give me some cashback to put in the pot. Now the minumum cashback is a tenner so work it out yourselves. Not only had i been given shit customer service, been publically reprimanded for not carrying a saver card, but now i was being told to make a charity donation with my Debit Card. I mean i have a lot to pay for in my life (My rent, Bills, Beer, Fags and Sheffield United matches) and it is expensive enough for me without spending all my money on charity donations.
Successfully i managed to extract myself from the checkout and Somerhell with my extra strength carrier bags carrying the loads. Walking out of the poor i walked past a bloke with even less subtlely that Phillip, who was wearing a brown uniform with the word Security embellished all over it. He fired me a look which said i know your a shoplifter and my mission in life is to catch you and get you sentenced to life in prison to justify my own feeble existance. Well i'm very sorry but if i was to ever consider participating in the criminal act of shoplifting then i'm sure i could aim a little bit higher than a tin of beans and jar of coffee from Somerhell. In any case my own shoplifting career in itself was a very short unsuccesful occupation which culminated in a telephone call to my father from the Store Manager of Costcutter and i short spell of being known as the family disgrace at 8 years old, the punishment was not being allowed from my room and i was unable to watch the Football Results that night.
Safely out of Somerhell, i managed to navigate my way past the Big Issue seller and made my way back home, slightly poorer but my life somehow enriched by the fact that however bad things might seem occasionally at least i'm not an employee of Somerhell.
A furthur despacth is expected to published soon
Brownie
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