The first thing i noticed, and i was genuinely humbled about, is the number of people who have spoken to me about what i have written in that initial blog, and to be quite honest I've been humbled about what people have said about it, but the support i have got behind me, and people in the same situation have. It was not a blog about me as such, i was more recounting my experiences of what it is like to be an absent father, and to make a point that when it comes down to it, an absent father is not necessarily an absent father through choice, and it sometimes comes down to the mother, and the choice's they make. I'm not saying i was perfect, because i wasn't, and there was so much better i could have done at certain points, but there comes a point where i look at my situation and i can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself i don't deserve what is happening to me.
What i find frustrating is there are cases where the father becomes estranged from a child through no fault of his own, through his own reckless actions. Things like abusive behaviour, domestic violence and genuinely being a complete bastard to the mother of his child. I was none of this, yet it seems to the situation that where the father has been a complete bastard, he still gets the right to see his child as the mother See's it in the child's best interest's to let the father keep contact, but in other cases where there has not been the backdrop of violence and abuse, that the contact ceases at the whim of the mother of the child. I know because if i didn't know my own situation i would be asking the question of 'why doesn't she want him to see his kid?', and that is the conclusion i would draw, and i think it is something that i feel a lot of stigma about, and i hate having that question asked of me.
It's a hard thing to say, but there is a part of me that wishes that i had been violent towards my ex, as it would be an explanation as to why I've not got access, but if i had gone down that route, i would probably have ended up in Prison, ended up with a criminal record and no hope of seeing my son in the future. Sometimes i think that i have to endure the provocation that i have done in the past from my ex, as she wants me to turn round and be aggressive, so she can get the Police involved, and push me further away from ever getting access, but i value my pride, dignity, career, life and hold on to the chance of getting regular access to much for me to be lose control.
The last occasion i was supposed to see my son, was on a Wednesday last December, I'd become anxious and nervous the day before, due to the atmosphere when i was picking up and dropping my son off, and i was concerned that the abuse i was getting was neither warranted or called for, and i asked a mutual friend (well her best friend) to speak to her about her conduct, and that at the time i didn't feel comfortable picking my son up from my ex's house due to these reasons, and that is what lead to the stopping of contact, and the abusive phone call i received that night. At that point i had pretty much had enough of the insults, abuse and provocation, and had decided it was time to get it all sorted out, before things did get out hand, and i did or something that i would later regret. It might sound like a soft way out, but it was not a situation i wanted to place myself, or my son in.
People keep asking me how i do i cope with the situation that i find myself in, and the answer is that it is not easy. I think about my son a lot, and when i say a lot, he is usually the first thing i think about in the morning, and the last think i think about at night, and usually what i think about most of the day as well. It is incredibly hard to stay strong, and not to like down, and let it destroy my life. I'm quite lucky at work, because i enjoy my job, and when I'm working i find it quite easy to switch off from everything else that is going off around me in my personal life, and concentrate on my work. In a way it is like taking one head off, and putting another one on. As strange as it might seem, i do quite a lot of stuff now that is conducive to a healthy lifestyle. I eat healthier than i used to, making sure i get three meals a day and not just living of fried food and takeaways. cutting down on Alcohol, going running 2 or 3 times a week, which is usually good as it puts any negative thoughts to the back of my mind, and i come back refreshed, energised and with the endorphins rushing around my body. I try and be as open to friends about what i' going through, as it is like an escape valve, and it is good to talk about what I've been going through and it means that i don't bottle it all up. 8 years ago i lost my father to cancer and i fell to pieces for quite a while after that, but what i did learn is a lot about the human mind and how it works, and the ways and means of keeping mentally fit. Nothing can ever replace my Dad, but i think that horrible experience i went through in losing him, has given me a bit more inner strength, and knowledge that i can draw upon, and i think that the estrangement from H could have had very different consequences and an effect on my life if i had gone through the trauma of bereavement with the loss of my Dad. In another way blogging this is an help, as it is cathartic as it is enabling me to express the feeling's that come with estrangement from your child.
So what now? That's the £64,000 dollar question, and one that i can't quite answer as i don't know myself. I'm going to keep fighting hard to get access to my son, as i owe it to him to be a loving and responsible father, and a father who i can show to my son that i love and care for him. I can't just turn around and walk away forever as that will cause more damage in the long-term that a bit of short-term pain could ever cause anyone, and the last thing i want to happen, and the thing that i will absolutely not let happen is for him to grow up thinking that his Dad never gave two fucks about him.
I get my wage slip tomorrow, and it will be a flat month without any overtime in it, as i hope that it will just about bring me under the threshold as to which i can claim legal aid and be able to use solicitors in my fight to gain access to my son, although at this moment in time I'm confident that will be the case. It will be a tight month, and i will be just about making ends meet this month, it's gonna be crap but that's the way it will be, and I'll deal with it. So that is the first big question, will i get legal aid, or won't i get legal aid. If i can it would be great and means that things can proceed through the legal avenue's should it have to come down that road, but if not then I've got to look at the other options. If there is one thing that I'm open to, and that is the fact that without legal aid, i can still do it, and that would be either paying a solicitor on account on a monthly basis, or doing as much of it myself that i can and this will be the biggest challenge as i will have to go to court and fight my own legal battle's with an array of legal professionals. It's probably going to be one of my biggest challenges yet, but i think that with the right approach and commitment it is something that i can do.
The bottom line is that i never really wanted things to go down this road, and i want all the issue's relating to my sons upbringing resolving as quickly and as amicably as possible. In an ideal world my marital split would have been straightforward and we would have parted as friends and brought H up in a stable environment, but that's not happening, but hopefully at some point in the future as the scars of a messy split heal, it can also herald the start of a new beginning.
