At the moment, I'm an absent father not through my own choice but through the choice of my ex-wife who for whatever reason she fits, has decided to decline me all access to my son Harrison, as she in her own words, can look after him with the help of her aged parents and the help of her friends, and 'doesn't need me about'.
I'll be the first to be quite open and honest admit that our marriage broke down because of two people rather than just apportioning the blame on one person. For my own part i became difficult to be around, sullen and withdrawn and quite often i would just go to work and i didn't be at home around my ex, and struggled with adapting to having a baby to look after as well, with the demands my shift work put on me. For the first time i got to the stage where i didn't want to go home from work, didn't want to spend time at home, and didn't want to spend time with my family, but on the face of it, we portrayed ourselves as the classic happy family, although the people closest to us, saw through the cracks.
Since we have split up, things have got a lot worse, and what was indifference when we was married, has escalated in to some horrendous arguments. Most of the time i have held back from responding to the provocation and hurtful remarks that have been made towards me, and there has been some horrendous things said and done, but these remarks have been made towards me to try and provoke a reaction. I have only responded once to the provocation i have faced, and that was after a jibe from her mother about my deceased father, and i regretted what i had said as i gave them reaction they wanted, but it has been a hard road to go down, as even something as simple as collecting or dropping of my son H leads to abusive remarks being made about me and my family, provocative comments, derogatory comments, general put downs and criticism of my parenting skills, the accusations, and other things.
I'm a big lad, and i have been around enough to be take to take a bit of stick and dish it out, but there are boundaries and the boundaries have been crossed, to the extent where i have had to endure offensive comments about my sister i have been told I'm a waste of space who will never have a decent job or do anything with his life, been told that my parents don't do anything or even care about H, when my father has been dead for the last 8 years, and then there was the coup de grace, when i was told 4 days before Christmas that i was not to see H any more, and at the same time that his life would be better if i hung myself.
What i don't and what i do understand is why it has had to get to this stage. I think when it comes to a relationship breakdown, there is a lot of advice out there, and some of it will be along the lines of resolve your differences for the sake of a child, and then some of it will be fuck the other person, take them to the cleaners and try and punish them for the breakdown of the marriage. With the benefit of hindsight maybe my marriage was destined not to work out, but it is over and next month will mark the passing of the first full year since the decree absolute coming through.
At the moment I'm trying to get legal aid to see my son, and it is quite honestly looking unlikely that i will be granted it, and even less likely that i will be able to afford the solicitors fee's to get access to the family courts. I can't afford this going down this route as I'm already under a lot of pressure financially, with paying a full mortgage, maintenance, car, and a whole other range of bills which leave me with very little each month. So therefore until i get either get legal aid, or get enough money together to pay for the solicitors bills i have no real hope of gaining access to my son.
This hurts, and it hurts more than people would think. Absent father to most people are fathers who don't care, fathers who run away from responsibility, fathers who don't care about their kids. It's a stigma that society puts on people, and a stigma that is completely unwarranted as there are lot of absent fathers who would love access to their children, but can't due to the actions of the mother of their child. If you think that I'm a deadbeat Dad, then i would like you to spend a day in my shoes, and it's not pretty. I can't go anywhere because as soon as i see a child the same age as my son, i think of H, and what he is like now, and what i am missing out. I can't look at photo's on Facebook of my friends kids as it brings it all back that I'm not seeing H, i have had to put all the photo's of H that are around my house away, I've had to put all his toys and stuff in the shed out of the way as it is too painful to see them, and the hardest thing is seeing a brand new bike that was bought for him by sister as a Christmas present gathering dust, as I've still not seen him before Christmas. You can try and hide from it, but the bottom line is that not seeing Harrison is like walking around with a ghost on my shoulder, and it is a ghost that is always there and someone that will never leave me, because i still love my son, i know he is still alive, still living, still breathing and still very much a part of me, although he is not there any more, he is still there, and i think that maybe i could have been able to handle it if he had died as a baby a little bit better because there could have been a bit of closure to it all, instead of having to get up every morning and love, and think of a child that i will never be able to see.
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