Yesterday i had arranged to go round to my ex-wives house. I was quite nervous about going as i didn't know what the atmosphere would be like with myself and my ex, and it was the first time that i had seen Harrison for a number of months.
I drove there and arrived 20 minutes early, so i parked around the corner for 15 minutes, smoked a couple of fags (still trying to kick the habit), listened to a bit of music (The Jam), and did a bit of Facebooking talking about last nights match and preparing myself for the impending despair of another fuck up from the club that i love. That 15 minutes seemed a lot longer, it was a bit like waiting outside the Doctor's waiting room hoping for the all clear, but thinking there might be bad news instead, and i was not really in the mood for raking up the past mistakes, and it all turning out sour the moment that we saw each other, and desperately hoping that we wouldn't want to kill each other and hate each others guts. Hate is such a horrible, destructive emotion, and it takes a lot more energy and effort to hate, than it does to love or respect, or even treat someone with dignity, but sometime hate can be the over-riding emotion above everything else.Since our marriage break up, the love we once had a few years back had been replaced by hatred, bitterness and mutual loathing of each other, and to be quite honest it had been like living through a car crash in slow motion, in the sense of the foreboding of what was going to happen but feeling completely powerless to stop it all.
I was also very nervous about seeing Harrison, as i had not seen him before Christmas, and i was really looking forwards to seeing him. Loads of stuff raced through my mind, how much had he grown, how much more was he saying, what did he look like now, how would he be with me, would he pick up on any tension, and the absolute fucking killer. Would he even know that i was his Daddy? It is an absolutely horrific feeling that being a parent who loves their kid, that your kid doesn't even know who you are, and it is not a feeling that i would ever want to have to live through.
So i started the car, and drove the 200 yards around the corner to my ex-wives house, where i parked outside, took a huge deep breath and got out of the car, locked it all up, and walked up the path to her house where i saw the most amazing beautiful little man looking out of the window and smiling at his Daddy, and it melted my heart. The ex opened the door and invited me in, and within 30 seconds i was messing about with Harrison, playing with his toys with him, and it was really like i had never been away from him for the last 5 months, and much to amazement he actually knew who i was, and had wanted to see me. I got slapped, punched and fought with, as that as a healthy vibrant 3 year old boy, he is keen on the rough and tumble, and seemed to enjoy it. I looked at him happy and smiling and i thought that there is something, very, very special there and i really did feel that father and son bond, and wondered if my Dad had thought about the same when i was at the same age, and i bet that he did.
What was even more amazing is that for the first time in years there seemed to be no friction or animosity between me and my ex-wife. She made the a coffee exactly the same as she used to a few years ago, although i've still an aversion to skimmed milk, and refilled the coffee for me without me even asking for it. We had quite a lengthy conversation about a lot of things, and there is still a long way to go to fully rebuild the trust and mutual respect that you need to co-exist as separated parents, but we have made a start, and quite frankly that makes me happy and it takes a lot of weight and stress off my shoulders. What was really encouraging for me, is that a lot of stuff we talked about was the future, and how we saw it, and how we both said to each other that we still want the best for each other, and actually meant it. One of the hardest things about separating when you are both the parents of a child, is when one parent meets someone else, as being a father, you don't really want to think about another man stepping in to your role in family life, and i felt it was quite important to know about my ex-wives new relationship, because you want and need to know what sort of bloke is going to play a part in the upbringing of your child. She was happy to tell me all about her new bloke, and he did seem to across really well, as a proper decent bloke, and i was relieved to know that, and having assessed and analysed the situation, i can feel comfortable with him being in my son's like, and you know what, deep down i feel really happy that my ex-wife is happy and content in a relationship with someone who seems like a decent bloke. Having said that i did have to ask the all important question of what football team does he support, and i was relieved to hear that he wasn't a Wednesday supporter, because as stupid as it seems one of the things that i want to pass on to Harrison is my lifelong love of Sheffield United. As it goes he is a Liverpool fan, not ideal in raising H a Blade, but a it will make passing it on a bit easier.
Since August 2010 when i split with my ex wife, my life has been insanely stressful, and i would be a massive liar if i said that at times things hadn't got on top of me, and stress me out beyond belief, but now it is May 2012, i can sit here and finally say that the stress has started to lift off my shoulders, and now things have got to the stage where i can stop worrying and stressing about the acrimonious split and divorce with my ex-wife, as i have to be honest it has been a bitter, nasty and protracted split, but i can look towards the future as a father to Harrison, and someone who can and will a strong, and respectful relationship with my ex-wife and that is the way it has to, and it will be. It's all not going to be easy, and i know that it will not be easy, but with a lot of hard work, and i think that we can build a lot of trust and respect, and that in the long run will be a good thing.
And as if yesterday wasn't already good enough, the Blades beat Stevenage to get to the play-off final and a trip to Wembley beckons.
Life is good.
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