Happy Birthday

Today would have been my Dad's 63rd Birthday, but sadly it is a birthday that he is no longer around to celebrate, and that is a huge shame.

He died 8 years from Pancreatic Cancer, and it was a huge, insanely devastating blow, and something that took me a long, long time to get over, as within the space of 3 months, the person who offered me the most guidance in life, was like a best mate, and the man who helped shape me in to the man that i have become today was gone. For a long time after it happened, i was like a lost soul, lacking that guidance, lacking any sense of purpose, but as time went on, i learned to live with it, learned how to deal with it, and although i have never stopped missing him, i have learned how to cope with the grief, cope with him not being, here, and most importantly be able to take control of my own life without his guidance, and become a man that he would be proud of.

As much as i miss him, and my mind often wanders back to my Dad, but now it is not that sense of feeling that he is not there, just random thoughts of what he would be like now, what he would think about certain things, what sort of stuff he would be doing, and one thing that gives me a bit of strength is how well i did cope in the end on my own two feet, and i think that deep down that although there is a lot of stuff that i would change in my life, that is a given, there is a lot of stuff that he would immensely proud of.

He would have been proud that i would have made him a Grandfather, he would have been proud of the fact that i have to battle some adversity in life and battled through it, he would have been proud that i turned my life around from being a pot smoking waster who drifted along from dead end job to dead end job to being a hard working train driver who lives in his own home, ended up actually learning to drive (which he always badgered me to do but i never got round to doing), he would have also been very proud of my sister, and on her wedding day when i gave her away, in a sense it wasn't me giving her away but it was my Dad giving her away.

I wear my Dad's gold chain around my neck, i have worn it for the last few years, i was given it and didn't know what to do with it, so i wore it and have never taken it off since that day, because with that chain, it means whenever i wear that chain, my Dad lives on as a part of me, and next week i will see my son Harrison and when i look at him i will also see that he is with H, as he lives on through the both of us, and H look's even more like him that i have ever done.

As a role model, guide and mentor in life, what you did for me when your alive i will never forget, and the memories and thoughts of you now your no longer here, still offer me a lot of guidance in life

I Still Love You Dad, Happy Birthday, and I'll see you for a drink, but not for a good few years yet.

Nick