Ambivelence

As i write this, i'm sat at home with a packet of Golden Virginia (the giving up smoking went right well at the end, as it was time to start again before i killed someone, and got a bottle of Jim Beam on the go, and sat playing on the internet once again. When i was in a relationship nights like this were few and far between, and i used to enjoy them, but what used to be an occasional event, has sadly become an all too frequent occurance.

At 34 years old i shouldn't really be sat up until all hours, drinking, smoking and just passing time, i should be happily married, settled down with a couple of kids, with all the trappings but i'm not. People see me as a single lad with seemingly plenty of time to go out and enjoy life, and feel envious, but the reality is not something to be envious of, as like with all things it gets mundane, boring and tiring after a while.

So how do i get out of this rut. Find a relationship and settle down once again, but that is easier said than done. There has only really been two women i can say that i have been in love with, one was my ex-wife and the other was the girl who i went out with straight after i split with my wife. In the first case the split was inevitable as things had gone irreversably wrong and the split was only a matter of time, and in the second case it was a case of too much, too soon as i was just coming out of a long term relationship and maybe i should have taken a bit of time out for the relationship game in the first case, but it was there, and i enjoyed it, and began falling in love with her, but too much, too soon.

Too often now i find myself, not really caring too much about stuff, but just about caring enough to keep going. I don't want to be seen as the bloke who goes out there and blows it all and loses everything, so that is my motivation to keep going, to keep the mortgage getting paid, to keep on getting up to go work, and to keep just plodding on, for what at times seems to be little or no reward, but the rewards might come sooner, or they might come later, but that does remain to be seen.

One thing i do have going for me is my friends. The last couple of years i have learned who my friends are, and who aren't. That has been a very important lesson. Last Saturday i went to watch Sheffield United (another lifelong disaster zone) down at Exeter, with a group of very good mates, in fact i would say some of my best friends ever went down, lads i could trust with my life, that is maybe the most important thing in my life, and i had the rare chance to see maybe the biggest lifelong friend i have ever had, my little sister for a few hours, which is always a good thing, and i even treated her to her dinner! Having a good time with good friends and good company always leads to a bit of a comedown when it comes to being up alone late at night, confronting my demons, and wondering where other stuff went wrong.

One of lifes greatest problems and issues is that we always want what we haven't got. I've got a decent house, brilliant job, lovely son, and some great mates but sometimes maybe i don't see that, and concentrate on what i haven't got.

Prehaps the answer isn't at the bottle of a bottle, but finding someone new who i can fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with, and someday Sheffield United will actually be successful and make all the effort worthwhile, maybe that is the answer, but who knows.

One thing i do know is that in the words of U2, i still haven't found what i'm looking for, but then again part of the fun is looking for it.