New to this blog game so i don't know where to start it all. I'm kind of thinking that i might use this site to get things off my chest, you know the script, tell you about all sorts of things that get right on my tits and tell you there is more than a few.
Possibly it could be alternative way of getting to know one another by listing the things you dislike rather than the things you light. I've tried this with my girlfriend before and she just calls me Grumpy, well she is 21 and the 6 year age gap might be starting to tell though. But its a interesting concept anyway.
I'll get the ball rolling anyway with the first thing that has seriously got on my tits this week and that is the abhorration that is known at Somerfield at Broomhill, a place where the staff are institutionalized in the worst possible way, a place where the staff are well and truly the master race and us the consumer (well we have all become the consumer than the human race in bullshit corporate speak) are nothing better than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean.
Yesterday i visited Somerfield, (Somerhell as i will now refer to it) for a few day supplies of microwave ready meals, and other bollocks that i couldn't survive without. It was a task made slightly more difficult by the fact i was feeling a tad unwell due to a very high level of inebriation due to spending the day watching Sheffield United thrup West Ham United.
As i approached Somerhell i took a deep breath in preparation for my hell loaded 10 minutes, the deep breath gave me some sort of fortificating relaxation as i passed Martins the newsagent, only to be accosted by a gentleman sat on the ground with a blue bottle containing a unidentified liquid. He slurred something at me which i which got a little bit lost in translation but possibly sounded like 'can you lend me some money for a cup of tea', which i found pretty damn preposterous as he already had a refreshing drink in his hand.
This was followed 10 seconds later by a chav looking lad offering me a copy of the Big Issue, which i declined and strode on bravely in to Somerhell clutching a green plastic shopping basket. I was going to get a trolley but i wasn't prepared to let my dignity be compromised by paying Somerhell a £1 deposit that said i wasn't go pinch the trolley, well i wouldn't find any real use for a supermarket trolley anyway but shit happens and one day in a moment of drunkeness i might find it to be a good idea to ride one down a steep hill, but by not paying a pound i was discouraged to participate in a act of theft and probably saving myself an injury.
The first thing i put in to my basket was my newspapers, i buy the Sun for the football content and the possible opportunity of seeing Abi Titmuss in a state of undress, and i also buy the Times for some more intellectual content and the excellent cricket coverage. CMJ we salute you. I then began my trawl through Somerhell commencing my grocery trip, the first visit was the Eat Today bit where the discounts are, upon my arrival i was greeted by a couple of students stood over it like vultures picking over the dead bones of a carcass, upon quick investigation there was nothing worthwhile in there and i moved on.
I was soon in to full swing and kept on adding items in to my basket, all this was quite straightforward as it is normally quite clear where most items are and i did not need or seek any assistance to locate certian things. One thing that is usually a minor irritant is the traffic flow in Somerhell as you seek to avoid errant trolley being pushed by miscreant children, and get out of the way as the people with little time on their hands barge there way through.
The majority of my trip was almost completed when i realised that i needed to purchase some lightbulbs as the bathroom light in my flat is down. I struggled to locate this and was soon forced in to the acceptance that my lesser knowledge was inferior to Phillip (i know this as it says it on his namebadge, however it also says he is happy to help but that is up for date). I don't know how well you know Phillip but i would describe him as a cross between Andy Pipkin and a Barnsley Fan (for those who aren't in the know, people around the world have been chanting Revolution for the last couple of hundred years, meanwhile in Barnsley they have been shouting evoultion as they want their own full complement of fingers and toes!!!). I asked Phillip where lightbulbs we're stored and he looked at me if i was gone out and snapped back over there before getting back to his task of stacking beans, a task i had rudely interupted to ask for assistance.
My basket was full and i headed off to the checkout to purchase my choice of goods. I was left with a 10 minute wait as Somerhell was pretty busy, and in their infinate wisdom they only opened 2 tills. Queuing is a very british thing though, we seem to be the only nation in the world that seem more than happy to waste our time in queues, although in a Supermarket i do find it interesting to see what the people in front have bought. There was a chinese fellow in front of me obviously doing some shopping for him and his girlfriend. I watched on as he loaded up the conveyer belt with his stuff. Loads of fruit juice and fresh veg before he loaded it up with a couple of packs of sanitaty towels, i turned round and looked for his female companion but she was not to be seen and i had a quiet little snigger to myself. That must be a very foreign thing though, the male shamelessly going out and buying female hygiene products, it got me thinking that maybe he hasn't bought them for a female and has a possible other use for them, after all they are supposed to be highly absorbant.
It was soon my turn to get served, and served i was, before the lady who served me put my first item through she asked me if i had a saver card. I responded that i didn't and then she said i couldn't take any advantage of the special offers which was a bummer as i had bought 4 bottles of real ale for £3.50, however she had not accounted for my superior knowledge as i informed her that she could use her override card that was located next to the till to give me the discount. Under protestation i got the discount i wanted and she kept on checking my items over the scanner. Saver Cards are used to take in all your spending habits, you have to fill in your details on them so they can work out what you are most likely to buy and sell on your details and fire off a succession of unsolicited, unwanted junk mail to your doorstep.
I then asked if she had any of the strong carrier bags as i didn't fancy picking my groceries off from the middle of the road when the flimsy free ones break as they usually do. She did although it set me back 20p for them, clever marketing again Somerhell.
Then i ended up having to pay for my groceries and the less than satisfactory customer service i had recieved. I gave her my debit card, i prefer using a debit card rather than drawing cash out all the time, plus it also serves to wind up thick checkout staff in supermarkets. As she proccessed my transaction she asked me if i wanted to make a donation to the Tsunami appeal. (At this point i would like to make it strenously clear that i have a lot of sympathy for the people whose lives have been devastated and i have made a couple of donations but i think the giving has reached epedemic proportations, i would estimate that the total donations that i have made has been about a tenner which is probably sufficent). I said that i hadn't got any cash on me to put in the collection, she then turned round and said she give me some cashback to put in the pot. Now the minumum cashback is a tenner so work it out yourselves. Not only had i been given shit customer service, been publically reprimanded for not carrying a saver card, but now i was being told to make a charity donation with my Debit Card. I mean i have a lot to pay for in my life (My rent, Bills, Beer, Fags and Sheffield United matches) and it is expensive enough for me without spending all my money on charity donations.
Successfully i managed to extract myself from the checkout and Somerhell with my extra strength carrier bags carrying the loads. Walking out of the poor i walked past a bloke with even less subtlely that Phillip, who was wearing a brown uniform with the word Security embellished all over it. He fired me a look which said i know your a shoplifter and my mission in life is to catch you and get you sentenced to life in prison to justify my own feeble existance. Well i'm very sorry but if i was to ever consider participating in the criminal act of shoplifting then i'm sure i could aim a little bit higher than a tin of beans and jar of coffee from Somerhell. In any case my own shoplifting career in itself was a very short unsuccesful occupation which culminated in a telephone call to my father from the Store Manager of Costcutter and i short spell of being known as the family disgrace at 8 years old, the punishment was not being allowed from my room and i was unable to watch the Football Results that night.
Safely out of Somerhell, i managed to navigate my way past the Big Issue seller and made my way back home, slightly poorer but my life somehow enriched by the fact that however bad things might seem occasionally at least i'm not an employee of Somerhell.
A furthur despacth is expected to published soon
Brownie
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